Morgues across the United States are preparing for the next three days of death and carnage as Daylight Savings Time (DST) is upon us once again. The annual extreme spike in American deaths was first directly linked to DST by a Swedish study in 2008 which found that the chances of having a heart attack goes way up in the first three weekdays after changing over to DST in spring. “Not only are the number of heart attacks tripled, but the time change is also responsible for a sizable increase in traffic deaths on the following Monday,” mortician Gregory Daines grinned. “On top of this, there are more severe workplace injuries and unfortunate miscarriages in the days following the start of Daylight Savings Time.” “It’s a great time of year to be in the death business,” Daines stated while steepling his fingers. “Hopefully I’ll make enough money to take a trip to somewhere outside of my basement this year, and maybe have a morgue-arita or three.” Advertisements
A swarm of 40,000 Africanized bees terrified white residents of Pasadena, California yesterday, prompting authorities to implement a stop-and-frisk policy in the city. “By simply stopping all of the African bees and forcibly removing their stingers, we will be able to ward off events like this in the future,” Mayor Terry Tornek stated. As of press time authorities had quadrupled the presence of police officers in historically African bee communities around the city. So far officers say they have confiscated about 4,500 stingers and have reported zero deaths.
If you have an upcoming Delta flight you had better get your Gas-X ready. The airline says it will now ban passengers from their planes if they ruin a flight with persistent farting. The move comes just one week after an elderly woman on a Delta flight from Atlanta to Portland caused several passengers and crew members to become incredibly nauseous. The airline says it will be adding an additional button next to the flight attendant call button that will allow passengers to simultaneously report and shame a farting traveler seated in their row.
Pope Francis gave a Valentine’s Day sermon at St. Peter’s Basilica today in which he asked couples to welcome single friends into their bedroom. The surprising suggestion has many asking if the religious leader is doing alright. “It’s an utterly lonely world out there,” an emotional, teary-eyed Francis stated. “So please, I implore you, invite someone to lay with you in carnal sin. It could be anybody really: authority figures, devoutly religious clergy, you name it – the right person could very well be in this room right now.” Upon finishing his sermon, the Pope tossed out handful after handful of candy hearts with his phone number on them as he strut down the center aisle like a runway model.
Leaders at the World Health Organization (WHO) pleaded with people across the globe today to stop rubbing their eyeballs together. WHO says the act is the fastest and easiest way to spread the coronavirus. “It’s common practice in many parts of the world to greet friends and strangers alike by getting really close and slowly rubbing your eyeballs together,” WHO Director Tedros Adhanom stated. “We must immediately drop these niceties in order to defeat the coronavirus.” Despite the warning from WHO, many people have carried on with the traditional greeting, which is also the most common way to get pink eye. Importantly, WHO strongly recommends placing condoms over your eyelids if you insist on continuing to say “hi” with your eyes.
Senate Republicans celebrated their success in acquitting president Trump today, admitting their complete incompetence was a ruse that all but assures Republican Senators will never be called for jury duty. “We had our eyes on the prize the whole time and it really paid off,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell s grinned. “We’ve now clearly demonstrated an inability to be fair or impartial; meaning we’ll never receive a jury summons or have to pretend to care about the rule of law again.”
After conservative shock jock Rush Limbaugh told his radio listeners that he was diagnosed with lung cancer today, people across the globe opened their hearts and their wallets to raise money to remove Rush Limbaugh from the young lung tumor. Around noon Eastern time a GoFundMe page was set up to raise money for the operation and within an hour the goal of $200,000 had already been surpassed; meaning that surgeons will be able to extract Rush Limbaugh from the tumor this coming Friday. Meanwhile, doctors say they are baffled by the situation as it is the first documented case of cancer getting cancer.