Moderna announced today that the pharmaceutical company was in the final stages of testing a new suppository for the approximately 65 million Americans who are afraid of needles (trypanophobia). Notably, during the study, scientists made the shocking discovery that the … Continue reading Moderna To Offer New Suppository For 20% Of Americans Who Are Afraid Of Needles
After having tried everything to roll back an unsupported update meant to start a “new phase” of their relationship, Bill and Melinda Gates are getting divorced. “Unfortunately Melinda and I are unable to return to the previous version of our … Continue reading Bill Gates No Longer Compatible With Melinda After Update To Unsupported Version Of Relationship
A loud minority of Americans are currently refusing to be injected with the COVID vaccine due to unfounded concerns that the shots will change their DNA. “Despite the fact that mRNA vaccines do not impact or interact with your DNA … Continue reading Individuals Fearful Of Vaccine Are Same People Who’d Benefit From DNA Change
The Biden White House is now under brutal scrutiny after Republicans have suddenly demanded that immigrants be treated more humanely until they can be “shipped back to whatever shithole country they came from.” The calls for humanitarian change comes despite … Continue reading Republicans Call For Humane Treatment Of Kids In Cages, Provided They’re Sent Back To ‘Shithole’ Countries They Came From
A move by the Biden administration to suspend or fire any staff who have used marijuana has had unintended consequences after it was revealed that Vice President Kamala Harris previously smoked the drug. Harris was immediately placed on a 30-day … Continue reading Kamala Harris Suspended As Vice President Due To Past Marijuana Usage
The Catholic church announced this week that they will not be blessing same-sex marriages until the age of consent is lowered to allow bishops, cardinals and priests to marry the young boys that they’ve been grooming for years. “This is … Continue reading Citing Discrimination, Catholic Church Refuses To Bless Same-Sex Marriages Until Age Of Consent Is Lowered
It might be illegal, but top employers from around the country, including Walmart, Amazon, Kroger, Home Depot, and FedEx have started asking interviewees the screening question: “Who won the 2020 election?” The corporate decision to ask such a question comes … Continue reading Employers Now Asking ‘Who Won The 2020 Election?’ In Job Interviews To Weed Out Crazy Candidates
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is stepping down from his position in order to enter rehab for a severe case of money addiction and to help stop an ongoing identity crisis. Those close to Bezos say that for years the billionaire … Continue reading Jeff Bezos Enters Rehab For Money Addiction & Identity Crisis After Stepping Down As Amazon CEO
Former richest man in the world Elon Musk was overtaken today by Reddit user dildo_swaggins69 after the amateur investor managed to turn investments in Gamestop, AMC, and Dogecoin into more than $277 billion over the course of a week. When … Continue reading Elon Musk Loses ‘Richest Person In The World’ Title To dildo_swaggins69
President Joe Biden signed an executive order today freeing up funding to build a massive moving walkway that will carry immigrants across the Mexico-United States border and into McAllen, Texas. Construction on the 112.7 mile long, $4.8 billion walkway will … Continue reading Biden Administration Building Massive Moving Walkway To Carry Immigrants Directly Into US
Sources are reporting that hundreds of fact checkers at news organizations around the world were abruptly let go from their jobs after White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki completed an entire briefing without lying once to the press. “With the … Continue reading Hundreds Of Fact Checkers Laid Off After New Press Secretary Fails To Lie In First Briefing
Joe Biden has reportedly agreed to hire Elizabeth Warren to cleanse the White House with sage before moving in. The decision comes after Warren reached out to the Bidens yesterday, telling them that she was concerned the building needed “an … Continue reading Bidens Hire Elizabeth Warren to Sage White House Before Move In
Citing a lack of anonymity as being their primary mistake, countless arrested domestic terrorists who stormed the Capitol now say they regret not wearing white, pointy hoods like their grandparents had during riots past. “Collectively, we should have learned from … Continue reading Arrested Capitol Attackers Now Wish They’d Worn Hoods Like Their Grandparents
After months of back and forth over what to provide in a stimulus package for the American people, Congress has finally managed to pass a bill that will offer every family a pizza party and a free copy of Shrek … Continue reading Second Stimulus Package Just A Pizza Party & Free Copy Of Shrek 3
