The NFL announced today that they’ve begun an investigation into the role of the so-called ‘Madden Curse’ in connection to concussions and other injuries. The league now believes that the curse extends to all players, not just those featured on … Continue reading NFL investigating role of the ‘Madden Curse’ in hundreds of concussions, injuries
Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred announced today that the league may begin burying explosive devices around the field to increase viewership next year. “Baseball is a relatively sedentary sport comprised of hours of groin itching, spitting and – on … Continue reading MLB is considering adding landmines to the field to make games remotely interesting
Eli Manning has retired from the NFL after being replaced by rookie quarterback Daniel Jones. The two-time Super Bowl MVP inked a deal with GEICO within hours. “He may not be an NFL starter anymore, but we do believe he … Continue reading After being released by the NY Giants, Eli Manning immediately signs deal with GEICO
Another Tennessee Titans mascot has spontaneously combusted on live TV, the latest during last night’s game against the Indianapolis Colts. Investigators say this is the fifth T-Rac the raccoon to burst into flames without a know cause. Stadium Photo by … Continue reading Titans puzzled as yet another T-Rac the raccoon mascot spontaneously combusts on the sidelines
The NFL is in hot water again – this time for using human kidneys as football bladders which are used in official game balls during the regular and post-season. For 14 seasons the NFL has purchased over 3,500 kidneys on … Continue reading NFL buys 3,500 human kidneys for football bladders every year
There’s a good chance your favorite football player just had a hot enema before taking the field when you watch this Sunday. Continue reading New NFL trend has players receiving hot enemas before games
Multinational conglomerate 3M announced today that it’s parting ways with Donald Trump. The company says it will no longer sponsor or provide the president with free products to use as a tie clip. Continue reading 3M revokes scotch tape sponsorship for Donald Trump’s ties
A new era of vegan-friendly hunting has begun in America. Continue reading You can now hunt plant-based, robo-animals thanks to Beyond Meat
“The Hall of Fam is like the silver medal for personal achievement. It’s meant for the guys that are a tad better than just okay.” Continue reading NFL Announces ‘Hall of Fam’ Nomination for Donovan McNabb, Other Slightly Above Average Players
“We sell the meat to Taco Bell, send a bunch of parts to candy factories and use the rest to make high-end huffing glue.” Continue reading What Happens to the 19 Dead Horses After the Kentucky Derby?
“The Washington Redskins select any Native American. That’s right. Any. Just send anyone, but preferably someone athletic or okay with doing commercials.”
Continue reading Washington Redskins Justify Keeping Name in 2019 by Drafting a Native American in the First Round
“The only sexual contact permitted in China for the foreseeable future will be homosexual in nature,” President Jinping stated while intertwining his fingers with NBA star Yao Ming. Continue reading China Bans Heterosexual Sex Over Population Concerns
“Most of the leathery, ball-related action on the field actually takes place in the players’ jockstraps,” Commissioner Rob Manfred stated. Continue reading MLB Highlights “The Raw Sexual Tension of Baseball” on Opening Day
“We’re not saying that blind people should encircle DeVos and beat her with their white canes,” the statement read. “But we’re not, not saying it either.” Continue reading Special Olympics Revokes Betsy DeVos’ Participation Trophies
“Papa John’s confirms that Shaq will be allowed to say the N-word at his discretion within his seven contracted advertisements.” Continue reading Failing Papa John’s Hires Shaquille O’Neal to Eat Most of Their Pizzas
South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster announced today that he will be performing the national anthem before the Super Bowl utilizing only his anus. Known for being outspoken – having demanded that everyone stand for the national anthem – McMaster says … Continue reading South Carolina Gov. Will Fart National Anthem at Super Bowl
Trump starts gagging and declares that ‘the golden juice went down the wrong pipe!’ Continue reading Mueller: Gay Tryst, Pee Tape Emerged From Investigation
