Having reached a population of 1 billion 419 million citizens, Chinese officials say they’re no longer allowing heterosexual intercourse.

“The only sexual contact permitted in China for the foreseeable future will be homosexual in nature,” President Xi Jinping stated while intertwining his fingers with former NBA star Yao Ming. “Heterosexual affection like hand holding, hugging and kissing will not be tolerated.”

Jinping also confirmed that “straight marriages will be banned,” and added that he “had just consummated his marriage with Yao” before pulling his 7’6″ tall husband down by his tie to kiss his forehead.

“We have to reverse our population growth and that takes priority above all else. Everyone is allowed to be with someone of the same sex; everyone gets that same choice. That’s equality,” Jinping concluded.

The Chinese President then zipped Yao Ming’s penis back inside his face-level fly – having pretended it was a microphone during his announcement.

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