(Buffalo, New York) Local man Bryan James, who proudly announced from the couch today that he could outpitch 79-year-old Dr. Fauci, somehow couldn’t find the strength to watch as members of the Yankees and Nationals took a knee before today’s baseball game. Wife Karen James says Bryan got emotional and had to change the channel when he saw that everyone was kneeling. “Bryan was very proud of himself when he let the family know that he could toss the ball toward home plate better than Fauci. He even said he won’t trust a man who doesn’t know how to throw a baseball,” Karen stated. “But when my Bryan saw all those men kneeling in solidarity with the socialist, racist terrorists – well he lost his mind.” Karen says her husband began throwing things at their brand new 65″ smart TV. “Luckily for us Bryan didn’t hit the TV with a darn thing,” Karen stated. “He also didn’t throw hard enough to make any marks or dents in the wall, so things could certainly have been worse.” As of Thursday night Bryan was icing his now injured throwing shoulder and bragging that he could still outpitch Dr. Fauci with his left hand.
After the artists who created the Philadelphia Phanatic mascot asked to be compensated for their work, the Philadelphia Phillies went ahead and modified the character to avoid making a payout. The team says that other than adding a two-foot cock, their mascot will still be the same antic-filled, animated goofball he’s always been.
The Houston Astros returned over 750 signs today that the team stole from various cities they played in during 2019.
Major League Baseball released 257 players from prison who were serving time for positive THC tests. The move comes after the league and player’s union decided jointly that they would no longer test players for the substance. What do you think?
Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred announced today that the league may begin burying explosive devices around the field to increase viewership next year. “Baseball is a relatively sedentary sport comprised of hours of groin itching, spitting and – on average – 2.75 exciting plays per game,” Manfred stated. “By burying 10 or so active landmines throughout the field we should certainly pique the fans’ interest.”