(Rochester, MN) The Mayo Clinic medical center announced today that it is weighing the pros and cons of offering non-mayonnaise-based treatments for the first time in their 156 years of operation. “After reporting zero breakthroughs in our COVID-19 testing labs by injecting patients with mayonnaise, the Mayo Clinic is now strongly considering other forms of medicine that are not centered around this off-white, delicious condiment,” CEO Gregory Ferarra stated. The Mayo Clinic says this new mayo-free approach could also spread to their heart disease research program, which so far has seen a zero percent recovery rate for patients that are placed on a strict, mayonnaise-based diet. Advertisements
Melania Trump celebrated her 50th birthday today, bringing her one year closer to being released from the marriage contract she signed with husband Donald Trump in 2005. The First Lady, who inked a 20-year agreement with the president, is now only 5 years away from regaining her independence. “As I’m contractually obligated to say, I truly love my husband Donald, and I’m prepared to stand by his side,” a teary-eyed Melania told reporters as she checked a timer on her watch. “for another… 1,824 days, 12 hours, 29 minutes, and 16 seconds.” Per terms in their contract, president Trump is legally required to stay at least 100 yards away from Melania for the entire day.
Dennis Rodman, the former NBA star and longtime buddy of Kim Jong Un, announced today that he will be doing his deceased friend’s hair for his funeral. Rodman said he was contacted by North Korea and informed of the supreme leader’s wishes this morning.
While trying to learn the proper etiquette for interacting with women, former vice president Joe Biden started an altercation with a mannequin that his staff was using to train him. Aides say that after trying countless times to put an end to the one-sided exchange they decided to just let the 77-year-old Biden tire himself out. “At first Joe got confused because the mannequin wasn’t physically reacting to him. He isn’t used to being able to sniff and touch people like that without getting some sort of reaction. So that really threw him off,” an aide stated. “Then, when the mannequin wouldn’t speak to him, Joe completely lost it.” Indeed, the former vice president was whipped into a shouting frenzy after receiving the apparent cold shoulder; resulting in an off-colored rant that lasted for nearly three hours. “This chicken-headed, white-livered, unlicked cub wouldn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground!” Biden shouted at one point while inches from the mannequin’s face. “I bet you have a handshake like a wilted petunia! You’re all hat and no cattle! No! I mean it! I really do!” About an hour after the altercation, the Biden campaign released a statement. “If anything is clear it’s that Joe Biden has the stamina necessary to lead this nation. Anyone who can spend this much time and energy standing up for himself and what he believes in is clearly motivated to represent the American people,” the statement read. “Joe may very well be a geriatric whose hands, mind, and words wander, but his heart is in the right place.”
In the wake of Donald Trump suggesting that we inject people with disinfectants to kill the coronavirus during his daily address, scientists have gone ahead and preemptively issued a warning against turning your oven on and then sticking your head right in. “What we’re doing here is trying to cover all of our bases before Mr. Trump proposes another potentially fatal solution for COVID-19. The heat from the oven will not kill the virus before it has already killed you.” head of the US Center for Science Paul Higgins stated. “We’re also going to go ahead and warn against shining UV lights directly into your eyes or inserting flashlights into your rectum. We’ll be issuing more warnings as we come up with them.” The Center for Science also said it would be taking suggestions for new warnings from the general public. “No idea is too stupid at this point,” Higgins stated. “Just send your warnings our way and we’ll announce them to the nation.”
With toilet paper shortages across the country, the federal government has approved $320 million to be used to buy back toilet paper from countless Americans who purchased way too much during the onset of the pandemic. The move to set aside money to buy back toilet tissue will help the government to secure an estimated 380 million rolls for redistribution. Notably, the $320 million was initially requested through a bill entitled “Stimulus Helping Individuals That Hoarded Essentials Associated with Defecation” or the S.H.I.T.H.E.A.D. Act before being added to the upcoming stimulus package as an earmark.
Echoing the famous line from the 2005 hit film Brokeback Mountain, an emotional Rob Gronkowski announced his return to the NFL by telling former teammate and star quarterback Tom Brady that he was coming back just to be with him. “I can’t quit you!” Gronkowski sobbed. “So I’m coming to Tampa Bay. I’m coming back to be your tight end Tom. I love you.” As of press time Gronkowski had already secured a locker right next to Brady and the two men had started deflating footballs.