Texas Governor Greg Abbott announced today that a new law will soon be passed by the state which will fully-arm school staff with everything a school shooter could possibly bring with them during an attack. “You gotta make it a … Continue reading New Texas Law Will Outfit All School Staff With Everything A School Shooter Would Have
Most Republicans in Congress have decided against attending today’s State of the Union. The decision came after they realized that – due to the Russian ruble’s drop in value – they’re suddenly broke and unable to buy new clothes for … Continue reading Due To Ruble Crash, Republicans Who Can’t Afford New Outfits Won’t Attend State Of The Union
After admitting that he purposely collapsed an entire bridge in Pennsylvania injuring 10 people, President Joe Biden told a stunned crowd today that he’ll “fucking do it again” until the Republicans stop trying to take credit for Democrats passing the … Continue reading Biden Says He’ll Blow Up One Bridge Per Day Until Republicans Stop Taking Credit For Infrastructure Bill
An obscure rule in Congress will block Republican voters from receiving the next $1,400 stimulus check because none of their representatives voted in favor of the latest bill which passed 50-49 along party lines. The relevant regulation is referred to … Continue reading $1,400 Stimulus Passes Along Party Lines Meaning Only Democrat Voters Will Receive Checks
The swing state of Florida, which is home to the notorious “Florida Man” constituency, is about to be hit by category-4 Hurricane Dorian. In an attempt to keep as many of his inept voters alive and happy, President Trump is … Continue reading Trump sends $1.3 billion in hurricane relief to help protect “Florida Man” constituency
As tropical storm Dorian heads toward Puerto Rico, White House aides are are scrambling once again, trying to convince the president that the island is a US territory. Sources in the White House say Trump remained confident that the US … Continue reading White House scrambles to convince Trump that Puerto Rico is part of the US as tropical storm Dorian approaches
The Trump Border Wall Hotel will be the 15th longest structure in the world and have over half a million rooms. Continue reading Supreme Court Ruling Gives Green Light For Trump Border Wall Hotel Construction
“Rand Paul’s house is currently under attack and burning down,” TV personality and activist Jon Stewart stated. Continue reading Americans Crash Hundreds of Drones Into Rand Paul’s Mansion, Nobody Comes to Help
“At this point teachers must be making, what? $125 thousand a year and they won’t stop complaining?” DeVos stated. “We have to push back against these union thugs who are always striking.” Continue reading Betsy DeVos Removes ‘Appreciation’ From National Teacher Appreciation Day
“We’re not saying that blind people should encircle DeVos and beat her with their white canes,” the statement read. “But we’re not, not saying it either.” Continue reading Special Olympics Revokes Betsy DeVos’ Participation Trophies
“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,” Continue reading A Face-Licking Epidemic is Freaking Out Floridians
Indeed, it is common knowledge that if we reduce the U.S. Army’s presence in Alaska, from around 84,000 to just over… Continue reading Obama Purposely Weakens U.S. Army, Cuts 40,000 Troops
