Staffers are reporting that the White House received a huge shipment of straws today after president Trump grasped at every last one he could find while trying to come up with a believable reason to overturn election results. “The president may have temporarily run out of straws, but he didn’t run out of additional challenges to the 2020 election,” one staffer stated. “With this new shipment of straws we expect that Mr. Trump will be able to contest the election for at least five or six more weeks.”
Joe Biden told reporters today in an afternoon press conference that his campaign is “so close to victory that he can sniff it” and that he “didn’t even have to creep up from behind this time.”
Having previously stated that he “might cry a lot” if he loses, the White House released a video today depicting Donald Trump gorging himself on KFC and McDonald’s while sobbing uncontrollably. The video, which was reportedly filmed in the past few days, was created to warn the American people of what to expect from the president if he loses the election. “We didn’t want anyone to be shocked by the amount of crying that the president will be doing if he loses,” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany confirmed. “We also didn’t want the public to be alarmed by the weight the president will gain in the final months of his presidency. This will undoubtedly be a new kind of presidential low.”
President Trump signed an executive order today that pardoned himself for “any and all crimes in the past, present, or future” – ensuring that even if he loses the election that he will still have absolute immunity for the rest of his life. “I’m not saying that I did anything wrong, but if I did I didn’t mean to; it was an accident,” Trump stated. “And if I did, it’s not really a big deal because others have done far worse. And if I accidentally commit more crimes in the future it won’t matter because I’m signing this executive order right now.”
Desperately seeking to grab the nation’s attention, former President Barack Obama set up a stage and a podium in the middle of Philadelphia’s I-76 and delivered an impassioned speech denouncing Donald Trump this afternoon. Despite repeated and raucous honking, Obama persisted and delivered a 40-minute speech as traffic backed up for more than 17 miles. Org. photo credit Gabbec
Senator Rand Paul incorrectly asserted today that New York City has achieved herd immunity from COVID-19 and that the rest of the US should follow suit. Paul then proceeded to get down on his knees to lick and slobber on a door handle. “If we could all just do something like this…” Paul stated before opening his mouth and deepthroating the silver handle for the better part of a minute. He then switched to staring directly into the camera while slowly licking the length of the hard metal before continuing. “…then we could reach herd immunity and stop having to worry about COVID-19 within a month.” As of press time Republican Senators were lining up to orally defile the same door handle in a show of solidarity with Rand Paul.
In a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court ruled today that satire is now illegal in the United States, stating that it “no longer serves its original purpose due to reality moving far beyond that of rational thought.” “The use of exaggeration and irony to expose and criticize will no longer be allowed,” the expletive-ridden majority opinion read. “We must rule this way because, unfortunately, everything in our world is now un-fucking-believable. On top of this, since the general public already has a hard enough time telling their own ass from a hole in the ground, we don’t need to add to the confusion when absolutely nothing can be considered far-fetched anymore.” As of press time, satire sites were happy to shut down, with The Onion admitting that “it was getting excruciatingly difficult trying to come up with stories while actual journalists were basically writing the same things by simply covering the real world.” Photo credit Joe Ravi, CC-BY-SA 3.0