Standing by the claim that “it’s all a huge, pointless waste of time to vote,” 31-year-old David Braun of Topeka, Kansas has been spending countless hours of his life debating politics with strangers online. “I can’t believe that people are going to stand in line, 6-feet apart, for who knows how long, when what we have here is a two party system that is broken and doesn’t represent the American people,” Braun stated. “When you vote, all you are doing is choosing between the lesser of two evils. I’m not gonna bother.” Harvard political science professor Jamie Lunely says that people like Braun are right to be frustrated by politics in the US, but that they need to be realistic. “He’s got a point,” Lunely stated. “But non-voters should also probably try to grow the fuck up and acknowledge that the two parties do not agree on abortion, LGBTQ rights, women’s rights, climate change, tax rates, criminal justice reform, race relations, or even whether or not we should listen to scientists in order to get out of this fucking pandemic. So it does matter who wins.” As of Friday afternoon, Braun had already dedicated seven hours to a foreign policy debate with a racist, misogynistic, homophobic idiot who would shoot someone if they tried to prevent him from voting in November.
White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany shocked the press today when she accidentally acknowledged that science does in fact exist, but that it shouldn’t impact the decisions the nation makes during the pandemic. “A little thing called ‘science’ should not stand in the way of school openings. All that scientists have are ‘hypothesis’ – which are just guesses,” McEnany stated. “So of course we can open schools, everyone else in the western world – all of our peer nations – are doing it!” Despite the fact that McEnany is completely wrong, and that the United States is doing far worse at handling the pandemic than other first world countries, nobody in the stunned-silent press could muster a single question after she uttered the word “science.” Photo credit Cezary p
Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale has been demoted to being the guy who hands president Trump a bottle of water when he wants to prove that he knows how to drink water. Parscale has been replaced by Bill Stepien, a former top aide to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie who was fired amid the Bridgegate scandal. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Conservative Christian Michael Dobbins of San Diego, California says he made the conscious decision years ago not to care about any political issues that don’t impact him or his closest family members until he absolutely has to. Dobbins says that so far he’s been able to avoid caring about the struggles of others for 37 years. “I’m not interested in wearing a mask, advocating for gay rights, or speaking out against police brutality – for example – because nobody I know has gotten COVID, nobody I know is gay, and nobody I know has ever been beaten by the police,” Dobbins stated while adjusting his W.W.J.D. bracelet. “I’ll care about things like climate change when they pollute the lake I live by or the land I own, but until it happens to me, who cares?” Dobbins continued by pointing out other famous conservatives who operate in the same way. “One of my personal heroes is Dick Cheney, who only accepted gay people after his daughter came out,” Dobbins stated. “Another is Nancy Reagan who only supported stem cell research once her husband needed treatment for Alzheimer’s.” Dobbins concluded by emphasizing that many people have this mindset. “I don’t know why this is surprising to anyone because this has been the conservative platform for years,” Dobbins stated. “It just takes a lot less energy out of you when you don’t have to think or care about others.”
Mike Pence argued today that opening schools amidst the coronavirus pandemic is acceptable because “COVID-19 will still kill less children than school shootings this year, and we don’t do anything to prevent those.” “If you’re scared about your child getting sick, let me reassure you,” Pence smiled, “there will be many, many more kids gunned down this school year than will be killed by any virus.” Pushing back, the CDC pointed out that many children will in fact die from COVID-19, that kids will undoubtedly spread the disease to high risk people who will also die, that school-wide outbreaks are inevitable, and that cancelling the school year would result in zero school shootings. “It is sad that we can’t open schools on time, but if we had followed social distancing and face mask rules over the past several months, maybe we could have,” a message from the CDC read. “It’s hard to believe that the unintelligent are literally killing the rest of us, but it serves as a grave reminder that we need to fix our widespread educational problems. Sadly, at this point, we look forward to a time when bodies are only piling up because of bullets.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
An explanation for the United States’ abysmal handling of the coronavirus has come to light after Trump stated that he has been trying to quietly build up America’s COVID-19 bioweapon stockpile ever since the virus reached the country. Specifically, the president admits that he’s keeping as many Americans infected as possible so that they can be deployed overseas at a moment’s notice should war break out. “If everyone could just shut up already about the Chinese virus that would be great. I can’t secretly amass a human stockpile if everyone won’t keep their traps shut about what we’re doing here,” Trump stated. “This is why we need to stop doing testing, stop wearing masks, and stop reporting on this altogether. From here on out let’s all agree to stop ruining my strategic military plan which will make our great nation’s military even greater, again.” Minutes later, White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany was already in front of news cameras telling reporters that the president was only kidding.
It was revealed today by Donald Trump’s niece Mary that the president cheated on his SATs by having someone else take the exam for him. The White House has admitted to the allegation and Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany provided an odd explanation. “Bone spurs, which are a painful bony projections associated with osteoarthritis, can hurt nearby nerves and cause excruciating pain. Mr. Trump’s bone spurs just so happen to be in his buttocks somewhat near his coccyx,” McEnany told reporters. “Because of this, the president cannot sit for long periods of time. Sometimes he can’t sit at all, which is part of the reason for the diapers. So you can imagine why he couldn’t sit there for a three hour test. “