President Trump’s thick butt-cheek implants are leaking lead into his bloodstream

YouReadyGrandma

Physician to the president Sean Conley revealed today that president Trump’s massive butt-cheek implants have been leaking lead into his bloodstream for months; maybe even years. “Symptoms of lead poisoning include learning disabilities, constipation, hyperactivity, and irritability,” Conley stated. “The president checks all of those boxes, but it’s a small price to pay to look like Kim Kardashian.” Trump campaign staffers say it’s unlikely the president will remove the implants as he uses them to clap for himself at rallies. Advertisements

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Enough Republican students have been shot in schools to change gun laws

YouReadyGrandma

After yet another mass shooting today, 73% of Republican parents in America now support background and mental health checks for gun ownership. “It took awhile, but we’ve reached a tipping point,” registered Republican Donna Davis admitted. “Until it happens to one of your own, or you yourself, it’s just unfathomable for us conservatives to empathize. But after 147 school shootings, we’ve all been impacted.” As of press time, experts are trying to find a way for all Republicans to experience poverty, being a minority, and what it’s like to be surrounded by idiots. Photo by Nick Youngson

Republicans kneel in protest during National Anthem at impeachment hearings

YouReadyGrandma

In a show of solidarity with president Trump, prominent Republican lawmakers made waves today when they took a knee during the national anthem. Republicans say they’re protesting the impeachment hearings in Washington DC because they are “un-American.” “When something so unjust keeps happening over and over again – and to the same group of people – you simply can’t keep quiet anymore,” Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell stated. Speaker Nancy Pelosi also commented on the kneeling incident. “Republicans think that white lies don’t matter,” Pelosi stated. “The truth is that all lies matter, and we’ve caught the president in a big one.”

Trump tells the tale of the Battle of The Bone Spurs on Veterans Day

YouReadyGrandma

In a morning news conference with reporters president Trump took the better part of an hour to share his own war story: The Battle of The Bone Spurs. “People were coming at me from left and right. Every angle folks, every angle,” Trump stated. “And just as the Enlisting Forces were about to take me captive, and likely kill me, because they’re killers these people; I evaded the enemy with a doctor’s note.” “So am I a hero?” Trump grinned while placing the Purple Heart around his own neck. “I don’t know. You tell me.”

Rand Paul’s neighbor beats his ass again

YouReadyGrandma

After demanding that the whistleblower be revealed at a Trump rally last night, Senator Rand Paul was met at the front door of his Bowling Green home by fellow libertarian and neighbor Tim Dunleavy who immediately began kicking the ever-living shit out of him once again. “It’s great being Rand’s neighbor,” Dunleavy stated. “Sometimes I’ll walk over there to borrow sugar, and other times he opens the door and I just drop the motherfucker.” “Rand’s a fake, plain and simple,” Dunleavy grinned while cleaning the blood off his knuckles. Nothing says ‘libertarian’ like intimidating people who point out abuses of government power.”

Unworthy, Trump burns hand on Medal of Honor while placing award on military dog

YouReadyGrandma

President Donald Trump was severely burned today when he accidentally touched the Medal of Honor with his unworthy hands. Trump was awarding the medal to Conan – the dog injured in Syria during the killing of ISIS leader Abu Baker – when the injury occurred. Advisors had already warned the president not to touch the prestigious award after witnessing the medal immediately kill a cockroach that had come in contact with it. Photo by David Holt

Leaked White House horoscope predicts rough month for Trump

YouReadyGrandma

The White House’s monthly horoscope for the president was leaked this morning and Donald Trump is not pleased. The official document, which is used to guide the president, says Trump is expected to have a rocky month. “Fearless leader and Gemini,” Trump’s horoscope reads. “Trying to keep up appearances is taking its toll, so if you’re not exactly in the social butterfly mood, that’s something the American people need to understand.” “If the Democrats are pushing you out, let them know right away that you are looking for a break from the action,” the official government document suggested. “It might be time to put your personal lawyer in storage, stop digging your own grave, and pick out a nice new narrative. Command the chaos by bringing some fresh distractions into your fictional world.” Photo credit

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