John and Sarah Malbeck of Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin say a rocking chair they inherited when they purchased their first home is haunted by an incredibly boring ghost. The chair, which has been in the basement since the couple moved in, has been seen rocking back and forth on its own on multiple occasions. “If you go downstairs, the chair may or may not start rocking,” John Malbeck stated “That’s it. That’s all that happens. We told you this wasn’t newsworthy.” Advertisements
An elderly woman in Madison, Wisconsin named Margaret Newsome unknowingly spent the last seven years of her life living with a human who was dressed in a dog costume. Newsome’s family, who never visited her, became suspicious when several furries showed up to her funeral. The confirmation that something strange was going on came when the family later found multiple photos of the furry and Newsome framed in her house while they were going through her things. After days of investigation, authorities are still searching for their suspect and don’t have any leads. “The moral of the story here is call and spend time with your grandma,” Madison County Sheriff Doug Martin stated. “Or else there’s a decent chance that a stranger in a dog costume will.”
(Waukesha, WI) – Local man Brian Fitzsimmons who’s been down on his luck lately and desperate for anything to work out decided Sunday afternoon that he’d get himself a real lucky rabbit’s foot for good luck. First, Fitzsimmons found a rabbit in the woods in his backyard. Using a fishing net, he caught it and brought it to his toolshed. He then grabbed a hacksaw and began carving through the bunny’s front left paw. Once he cut clean through, he went and chucked the rabbit carcass back into the woods whereupon he found ten adorable newborn bunnies that the butchered rabbit had just recently given birth to. Fitzsimmons says he now plans to teach his kids how to make lucky rabbit’s feet when he has custody next week. “I’ve been looking for a way to bond with my children. This just might be it,” an unemployed Fitzsimmons stated. “Who knows. This could even be the start of a new business venture for me. Things are looking up!”
The entire town of Little Chute, Wisconsin received a delightful, light dusting of cheddar cheese today after a major malfunction at the nearby Kaukauna Cheese Factory caused a Christmas Eve blowout. Most locals are in awe, grateful to have witnessed the beautiful cheese shower. Here’s what some citizens are saying:
(Brookfield, WI) A genderless, robotic Santa in Brookfield Square Mall is causing outrage among conservative customers who are demanding a traditional, white, human male Santa. What do you think?
“Farmers are counting themselves lucky that residents will eat anything.”
“Now it looks like we’re going to have to burn off about 16 square miles of mature opium crop. So if you live in the area, buckle the [expletive] up on Saturday.”