The NFL announced today that they’ve begun an investigation into the role of the so-called ‘Madden Curse’ in connection to concussions and other injuries. The league now believes that the curse extends to all players, not just those featured on the cover of the Madden football games. “We’re not saying all injuries are from the curse, but it’s probably at least 85 percent,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated. “Football is a safe, but haunted sport.” Moving forward, Goodell has asked former player Tim Tebow to organize a large-scale blessing so that God can not only pick winners, but also keep all of the players safe. Photo by Erin Costa
Eli Manning has retired from the NFL after being replaced by rookie quarterback Daniel Jones. The two-time Super Bowl MVP inked a deal with GEICO within hours. “He may not be an NFL starter anymore, but we do believe he is still insurance salesman material,” Giants’ head coach Pat Shurmur stated. “I look forward to watching Eli and Peyton going head to head again in the automobile, home, renters and life insurance arena.” Photo by Tom Hanny
The NFL is in hot water again – this time for using human kidneys as football bladders which are used in official game balls during the regular and post-season. For 14 seasons the NFL has purchased over 3,500 kidneys on a yearly basis from medical facilities. During the same time, the US kidney transplant waiting list has grown and now nears 100,000 patients. “We get that families are mad that donated kidneys aren’t being used as intended.” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell stated. “But isn’t it exciting to think that, after you die, your kidney could be inside of the ball that scores the game-winning touchdown in the Superbowl?” Photo credit Andy Miah
There’s a good chance your favorite football player just had a hot enema before taking the field when you watch this Sunday.
“The Hall of Fam is like the silver medal for personal achievement. It’s meant for the guys that are a tad better than just okay.”
“I permanently cut cheese out of my diet,” police officer Damien Stephens stated. “If you’ve never seen a ‘Kraft Singles Cheese Queef Shower,’ I recommend that you keep it that way.”