President Trump has been trying to downplay his flatulence problem since journalist and author Bob Woodward released 18 recordings today in which the president is heard audibly farting nearly 150 times. In one interview alone, back in February, Trump farted eleven times during a single statement in which he revealed he knew new the coronavirus pandemic was far more serious than he was telling the public. “It’s a very tricky situation – fart. It goes through the air Bob – fart, fart – … you just breathe the air and that’s how it’s passed – fart. It’s also more deadly than even your – fart – more strenuous flus. This is far more deadly – fart. This is 5% whereas the flu is only 1%.” Trump continued. “It’s not just old people, Bob – fart. Some startling farts – fart, fart, fart – err… facts came out. It’s not just old people dying,” Trump stated. “I wanted to always play it down. I still like playing it down because I don’t want to create a – fart – panic.” As of press time, the country was bracing for even more hot air to come out of the president as he tries explaining away Woodward’s recordings.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was caught on back to back days having businesses in San Francisco illegally style and remove hair from both her head and her anus. Pelosi says that she was tricked into receiving both services as she wasn’t aware of the laws currently in place in her own state. “In both instances I was approached by the businesses. Not the other way around.” Pelosi stated. “So when I got my hair styled and my chocolate starfish waxed, I assumed that everything was on the up and up.” Pelosi said that she was certain she hadn’t broken any laws when she went to get her butthole waxed on the second day. “When they waxed my balloon knot, they had me lay on a massage table in the back alley. Because we were outdoors I was certain that what we were doing was legal,” Pelosi stated. “But lo and behold the removal of hair from my smelly Susan was a setup as well!” As of press time Pelosi had reportedly made yet another appointment for tomorrow; this time to have her conscience cleaned.
Muttering to himself “it had better fucking work this time,” Donald Trump held up a box of rat poison today and told supporters that it was yet another cure for COVID-19. Privately, Trump admitted that the move was just another hasty, last ditch effort to lose the election. “You’re gonna want to eat the whole box. Some people say two boxes to make sure you really kill the virus,” Trump told the cheering crowd. “You’ll feel worse at first, but shortly thereafter you won’t feel anything at all.” After leaving the stage the president told reporters from CNN and MSNBC what he was really doing, knowing that his supporters wouldn’t believe the news outlets’ footage of him anyway. “Man it feels really good to finally say this out loud: I’m absolutely sick and tired of being president. I don’t want to do it anymore. What in the fuck is wrong with these people?” Trump stated while motioning toward the crowd. “I’ve been trying to hand this thing to Biden for months and it still looks like I might win. What the fuck do I have to say or do to throw this election?” Indeed, Trump’s frustration is warranted as his supporters don’t seem to care that people are dying from COVID-19, that he wouldn’t set an example by wearing a mask for months on end, or that he had recommended that people take deadly drugs. “These morons entertained the idea of injecting or drinking disinfectants. I told them to try the unproven drug hydroxychloroquine and then I upped the ante by suggesting the use of oleandrin – a poisonous extract that kills,” a visibly saddened Trump stated. “At this point my life has become a sad, sad joke. What did I do to deserve this? Maybe I’m in hell.” As of Sunday night the president said he had too much pride to just quit the race. Instead, he was strongly considering actually shooting someone in the middle of 5th Avenue to see if that would make him lose votes.
Activating his fight-or-flight self-defense mechanism, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul completely melted into the pavement last night while being confronted by protesters after the Republican National Convention. As a small crowd began to gather around Paul and grow more vocal, the senator said that he “began to feel threatened” stating that he “couldn’t handle the heat.” Experts explained what happened next. “As is a snowflake’s natural response to heat, the molecules that make up Paul’s body began moving faster, breaking the hydrogen bonds between them; causing the senator to melt and turn into water,” meteorologist Michael Duvall stated. “This allowed Paul to spread out in the cracks and camouflage himself among the other moist sludge and trash. After that, we assume Mr. Paul slowly seeped his way to a safe space.”
Republicans across the United States are excited to spend the next four nights cackling maniacally along with six Trumps and a handful of other speakers as they lay out their diabolical plans for the continued destruction of the country at the Republican National Convention. In total, as many as 35 million Republicans are expected to be watching in their dark living rooms each night; their faces aglow from only the television light as they laugh deliriously like raving mad lunatics at their TV sets.
When asked if there was a plan in place if Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House after losing the November election, Washington D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser said that the city was already prepared for such a scenario. “Unfortunately, president Trump has made it clear that he will determine whether or not he accepts the November election results. Because of this many are wondering what will happen if he loses and refuses to remove himself from the White House,” Bowser stated. “Well if that is the case, the president will be cry-tweeting from his golden toilet, alone in the dark. Because we’re going to shut off all utilities if he protests the results.” In response to Bowser’s statements, White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said that such a move would be illegal. “The law clearly states that, and I quote, ‘utilities cannot disconnect service under federal law if you file for bankruptcy.’ Mr. Trump has already done that six times and he’ll do it a seventh if he has to. The utility company also cannot disconnect Mr. Trump’s service if he has a serious medical condition,” McEnany stated. “And undoubtedly anyone who refuses to accept a loss in the face of clear evidence is in serious need of psychiatric help.”
President Trump has finally proven that mail-in voting is prone to meddling by standing against desperately-needed funding for the struggling United States Postal Service that would allow the US to run an efficient election. Notably, Trump’s actions come just in time to meet a deadline set by a federal judge for the Trump campaign to provide proof that mail-in voting fraud takes place. “I was right folks! I was right,” Trump grinned. “They said ‘it’s never been done before; widespread mail-in voter fraud can’t be done!’ But now millions of Americans may be deprived of the right to vote and it wasn’t even that hard for me to do.” In addition to Trump leaving the USPS high and dry, authorities appointed by the president are seeing to the removal of many blue USPS mailboxes in states across the country. Despite all of this, Trump, his family members, and many on his staff all say that they will be voting by mail – just like they have been for years. “We like our mailboxes in Palm Beach,” trump winked. “So we’ll be keeping them up and running over here.”