In a shocking twist that left both political analysts and the LGBTQIA community stunned, President Donald Trump held a press conference today to strongly oppose Florida’s controversial HB-1776, a proposed bill that would prohibit those assigned male at birth from purchasing or wearing makeup in public spaces.
Flanked by American flags, velvet ropes, and a soft LED ring light, President Trump initially called the Florida makeup bill “a direct assault on personal freedom and a massive reach-around.”
“I mean… no. What did I say? Massive reach… no. Ovary? An ovary? No, that’s the baby one… overreach. This is massive overreach. An overreach. Sounds like ovary…” He paused, then shrugged. “Look, I wear makeup every day—beautiful makeup, the best makeup. Famous people… politicians. We all do.” Trump smiled as he reapplied a thick orange powder labeled “Executive Glow: Nuclear Sunset”to the lips and folds of his neck. “Gay men, they come up to me crying, saying, ‘Sir.’ They say, ‘Sir, Daddy Trump: How is your contour so strong at your age?’”
Meanwhile, JD Vance, who told reporters in the audience that he wears eyeliner, stood firmly behind Trump, agreeing that the Florida makeup bill represents an overreach of government power.
“The Founders, who wore makeup, heels, and wigs, didn’t fight the British so modern men could be stripped of their God-given right to treat their under-eye puffiness,” Vance said, glaring into the middle distance as Senator Lindsey Graham switched from blotting his T-zone to dabbing a cooling gel beneath his eyes. “I started wearing eyeliner because people sporting it look like they can see into your soul. I’ve never had one, but I’m curious what I’m missing.”
Supporters of the bill, including Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, argue that makeup on men is “a slippery slope to drag-queening and transgenderisms.” But when pressed on Trump’s makeup wearing, DeSantis backpedalled.
“But orange is different,” DeSantis said of Trump. “That’s more like an Oompa Loompa and I liked those little guys. They came legally, followed orders, and never tried to use the women’s bathroom. They stuck to show tunes and dancing.”
Political strategists say Trump’s bold, new makeup stance could endear him further to his base of working-class men who often have some sort of haphazard tan line or reversible blemishes, but are terrified of the word “skincare.”
After his speech, Trump refused to take questions, but instead unveiled a new line of cosmetics, including:
- Term Limitless Eyeliner: Undemocratically Applied. Unyieldingly Permanent. Goes on in one messy line, then stays well past its welcome.
- Jan. 6th Hair Setting Spray: Surrounds your hair, locking it in place for extra control before killing protective follicles and seeping into your brain to peacefully tour your last brain cell.
- Fraudulent & Full Lip Plumper: Gives you full, pouty lips perfect for shouting, “They’ve treated me very unfairly,” or “Everybody’s being so mean to me,” or when you’re deep-throating a microphone in a stadium full of confused geriatrics.
