A New Year’s resolution poll of over 6,000 Americans revealed that 67% of people want to break the habit of checking behind the shower curtains for murderers and monsters before going pee in 2020. Where do you stand on this … Continue reading Resolution: Let’s all stop checking behind the shower curtains before going pee in 2020
President Trump was first introduced to the concept of time zones today after asking staffers this morning “why does time act funny when we go from place to place?” After a painful, belabored explanation, Trump immediately grabbed his phone and … Continue reading President Trump tweets out an odd message about Hitler, time zones, and time travel
In a narrow 151-139 vote, Iranian Parliament voted today to allow women to star in pornography. Up until today, women had been barred from appearing in any adult films or printed magazines. “No longer will we have to dress young … Continue reading Historic: Iran votes to allow women in pornography
An investigation is underway after Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell was severely injured moments after opening a package that contained several plastic bags and straws. McConnell, like most turtles, tried to put the foreign objects in his mouth to gain an … Continue reading Investigation under way after Mitch McConnell gets a plastic straw rammed up his nose
President Trump’s approval rating amongst the left jumped from 7.2% to 42.7% after Russian President Vladimir Putin announced a new, deadly, and unmatched hypersonic weapon yesterday. Democrats now admit that Trump’s submissive and subservient approach with Russia makes perfect sense. … Continue reading Democrats now glad Trump has been Putin’s little bitch after Russia announces new hypersonic weapon
NBA fans are divided over a new camera angle that the league tested out during the Lakers vs Clippers game on Christmas Day. The view, which points the camera directly up players’ shorts when they are anywhere in the key, … Continue reading New camera angle used during Lakers vs Clippers game gave fans an X-rated view directly up players’ shorts
Devout Christians Robert and Denise Ferraro of Naperville, Illinois say that they began forgetting that Christ had anything to do with Christmas when their 10-year-old daughter Cindy came home from public school last December and told them that she had… Continue reading Christians are having a really fucking hard time keeping Christ in Christmas
The entire town of Little Chute, Wisconsin received a delightful, light dusting of cheddar cheese today after a major malfunction at the nearby Kaukauna Cheese Factory caused a Christmas Eve blowout. Most locals are in awe, grateful to have witnessed … Continue reading An entire Wisconsin town was delightfully dusted with yummy cheese after a Christmas Eve explosion
President Donald Trump is furious that he hasn’t received a gift from Santa since 2000 – when he was 54 years old. Continue reading Trump threatens North Pole after going 18 years without a single present from Santa
The Salvation Army announced today that they’ll be using $1.58 million in donations to purchase 100,000 pocket anuses for clergymen in the Catholic Church this Christmas. The charity says their goal is to curb pedophilia. “As far as we can … Continue reading The Salvation Army says it’s donating pocket anuses to the Catholic Church to curb pedophilia
A blood stain is one of the most challenging stains to remove from your floors. This week we’ll be teaching you how to remove blood from your hardwood or linoleum floor using Totally Spot-Less Bleach powered by Clorox 2®. Step … Continue reading How do I get this out? Your guide to blood removal with Clorox bleach
Nancy Pelosi and fellow Democrats announced today that they plan to push forward with the collection of evidence in an effort to lube up Republicans across the aisle and get them to impeach president Trump. “We want to give them … Continue reading Edging: Democrats plan to get Republicans very close to impeachment several times before finishing inside the Senate
With temperatures warming up, and plenty of things to do, most Americans will spend the weekend on the couch binge watching TV. “By 4pm or so on a Sunday, the majority of citizens will once again realize that they’re doing … Continue reading Warmer temperatures this weekend will reinforce that you are a lazy slob with no hobbies
Hellbent on completing their witch hunt in a timely manner, Democrats showed up at Donald Trump’s rally in Battle Creek, Michigan tonight; torches in hand. The mob burst on stage, interrupting Trump who was honoring a military dog. The president … Continue reading Witch Hunt: Democrats line up to stack rocks on a nude Donald Trump as impeachment nears a dramatic end
Democrats threw Republican members of the House for a loop today when they caried out all of the impeachment proceedings in Spanish. Republican critics are calling the Democrat’s actions both an abuse of power and an obstruction of Congress. “We … Continue reading Un-American: Democrats conduct impeachment proceedings entirely in Spanish
President Trump announced today that he may not participate in the 2020 Presidential Debates after realizing that he’s used up every last one of his best words. “I’ve said ’em all folks. All of my best, most tremendous words. Every … Continue reading President Trump says he might boycott 2020 debates after running out of “the best words”
British startup, StandardToilet, announced its latest product today: a toilet with a seat that angles 13-degrees downward; making sitting unbearable after just five minutes. With 89% of Americans saying they surf the web while on the toilet at work, experts … Continue reading A British startup company is selling a toilet that is unbearable to sit on after five minutes
The Mormon Church broke news yesterday that they had amassed over $100 billion in a charity fund over the course of 22 years in order to buy every American “magical underwear”. “Made of unbleached cotton, these stylish full-body jockstraps make … Continue reading The Mormon Church collected $100 billion to buy every American magical underwear
