Researchers are reporting that early trials with the drug chloroform have been successful in preventing the spread of COVID-19 by people refusing to follow social distancing rules. “The scientific community is optimistic that chloroform can help to subdue people who are putting others at risk,” Leadburry stated. “By simply placing a chloroform-soaked cloth over their nose and mouth, we have been able to suppress individuals who are actively ignoring social distancing protocols,” head researcher Katie Leadburry stated. Should next month’s final human trial prove successful, scientists say the drug could be ready for use in the general public. “We hope to have every Costco and Red Lobster manager outfitted with enough chloroform to overpower an entire klan of Karens should anti-science protesting get out of hand,” Leadburry confirmed. Advertisements
A recent study measuring hypersensitivity and narcissism in various age groups conclusively demonstrated that Baby Boomers are by far the most sensitive and self-important group of US citizens. Boomers also scored the highest for defensiveness, authoritativeness, stubbornness, and internalized low self esteem. What do you think?
Scientists at Harvard University have found a direct correlation between happiness and intelligence that proves that the smiliest people you know are probably also the dumbest. The tests were conducted on over 2,000 subjects with the study taking place over the course of three years. “We’ve discovered hyper-rapid serotonin production that is only found in people with low IQs. In other words, it doesn’t take much to make an idiot smile,” Head Researcher Bryan Scoff glared. “It is my sincerest hope – that because of these findings – that absolutely nobody is happy anymore.” Next, scientists say they plan to ruin the concept of love and then move on to destroy any semblance of happiness that may remain after that.
“As the AX-570 android referred to as “Barron” appeared to grow in its capacity to feel, perceive, and experience subjectivity, the android’s aggression toward president Trump grew exponentially.”
Finally there’s a way for insomniacs and worriers to get a good night’s sleep.
“Science has confirmed that you all can shut the [expletive] up about it.”
“At least 87% of lotion used by men is vigorously rubbed on less than 1% of their bodies.”