Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards was strong-armed into beginning Phase 3 of reopening today despite COVID-19 cases in his state being on the rise. Edwards says the move is “not ideal, but necessary” due to the fact that citizens said … Continue reading Louisiana to Bring Back Football, Warns of 100% Death Rate to Those Who Stand In the Way
A new study by the University of Oxford shows that oleandrin, a deadly poison extract from the oleander plant, is just as effective at curing COVID-19 as smothering someone to death with a MyPillow®. The news comes just days after … Continue reading Study Shows Oleandrin Cures COVID Just as Effectively as Smothering Someone to Death with a MyPillow®
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.” Continue reading Trump’s High School Revokes GED
White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany shocked the press today when she accidentally acknowledged that science does in fact exist, but that it shouldn’t impact the decisions the nation makes during the pandemic. “A little thing called ‘science’ should not … Continue reading White House Stuns Press By Accidentally Acknowledging Existence of Science
During an evening address at the Vatican, Pope Francis made remarks on the coronavirus and the state of the world that included harsh words for US president Donald Trump and his supporters. “Truly I tell you, there is a reason … Continue reading Pope Francis Calls Trump Supporters ‘Evil at Worst, Stupid at Best’
An adorable hamster that has housed the real brain of Ben Carson since a failed 2015 experiment came forward today to voice support for Joe Biden and Black Lives Matter. The hamster, which according to all leading scientists is Ben … Continue reading Hamster That Swapped Brains With Dr. Ben Carson in 2015 Supports Joe Biden, Black Lives Matter
Researchers are reporting that early trials with the drug chloroform have been successful in preventing the spread of COVID-19 by people refusing to follow social distancing rules. “The scientific community is optimistic that chloroform can help to subdue people who … Continue reading Chloroform Drug Trials Prove Successful in Subduing Those Refusing to Socially Distance
In the wake of Donald Trump suggesting that we inject people with disinfectants to kill the coronavirus during his daily address, scientists have gone ahead and preemptively issued a warning against turning your oven on and then sticking your head … Continue reading Scientists Preemptively Warn Against Sticking Your Head in the Oven
Scientists have discovered the oldest known material on Earth: a pubic hair that’s 7 billion years old. The finding is causing many scientists to rethink their views on religion. “Long ago this hair was most likely tucked away in God’s … Continue reading Scientists find a 7 billion-year-old pubic hair believed to belong to God
A recent study measuring hypersensitivity and narcissism in various age groups conclusively demonstrated that Baby Boomers are by far the most sensitive and self-important group of US citizens. Boomers also scored the highest for defensiveness, authoritativeness, stubbornness, and internalized low … Continue reading Study: Boomers are more sensitive & narcissistic than millennials
Scientists at the World Health Organization who normally study microplastics have shifted their research to larger macroplastics after millions of Americans have admitted to eating their credit cards. “We cannot stress this enough,” head researcher Franz Blankenmann stated, “eating your … Continue reading More and more Americans are eating their maxed-out credit cards
Since Starbucks released its Pumpkin Spice latte back in 2003 Americans have recycled the same tired jokes about basic bitch valley girls, UGG boots, North Face vests and sucking down concentrated type-2 diabetes. Scientists now say that after 16 years … Continue reading After 16 years everyone can shut the fuck up about pumpkin spice, scientists say
Scientists at Harvard University have found a direct correlation between happiness and intelligence that proves that the smiliest people you know are probably also the dumbest. The tests were conducted on over 2,000 subjects with the study taking place over … Continue reading Happy all the time? Science says it’s probably because you’re stupid
Scientists say that everyone’s genetic activity is measurable and that soon devices will be able to scan people and determine just how gay they are. Continue reading UK Study proves that all human genes are gay
A recent study by the scientific journal Intelligence shows that people with high IQs are more likely to suffer from mental anxiety and hyper-reactive central nervous systems. What do you think? -Sharon Jenkins, Anger Management Coach – Jarret Zewinski, Learning … Continue reading Increased risk of mental and physical disorders in high IQ people, obvious study finds
More NewsSupport the AuthorTake me to the MEMES!Photo credit NASA Goddard Space Flight Center Continue reading Human scientists say the Neil DeDrasse Tyson X-3000 is still learning to express human emotions
“You can rest assured that somewhere, in an existing but undetectable universe, another version of you is out there having a meaningful, fulfilling life.” Continue reading Yes, There’s a Parallel Universe Where You Aren’t a Total Piece of Shit
An executive order from the desk of President Trump has put an end to genetically-modified, cyborg baby programs. Continue reading U.S. Stops Development of Genetically-Modified, Cybernetic Babies
