Gone in a flash 💥🛸 President Joe Biden has offered a bold and unconventional solution to the growing number of mysterious drone sightings over New Jersey: “If one of those big drones gets too close, just flash them. Show them … Continue reading Biden: Mysterious Drones Over New Jersey Can Be Scared Off by ‘Exposing Your Genitals’
Frequent traveler and businessman Kenneth Hildman of Dallas, Texas says he is close to having a complete breakdown while he waits in line at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport security. Despite never committing a crime in his life, Hildman thinks that … Continue reading Man At Airport Security Has Sudden, Unfounded Fear That He May Have Hid Drugs Up His Butt
(Milwaukee, WI) After overhearing someone talk about yesterday’s passage of the new Infrastructure Bill, a gaping pothole in downtown Milwaukee is now growing in anticipation of being filled to the brim. Locals say the submissive pothole has been taking a … Continue reading Gaping Pothole Just Begging To Be Filled
(Knoxville, TN) Local man Brian McMillan, who is an anti-science, anti-mask, anti-pope, anti-vaxxer has found himself so against everything that he’s now stuck saying no to everyone no matter what. McMillan says the new affliction has caused him to regret … Continue reading Anti-Science Anti-Mask Anti-Pope Anti-Vaxxer Just Saying ‘No’ To Everything At This Point
MILWAUKEE, WI – Local man and proud welder Joseph Stallsworth says that his favorite pastime is telling anyone who will listen to go out and get a job in the trades. “It doesn’t matter if we are complete strangers or … Continue reading Man Who Works In The Trades Favorite Pastime Is Telling Everyone To Get A Job In The Trades
35-year-old James Dewatt of Peoria, Illinois finally forgot about the emptiness and boredom that he’s been feeling for months on end today when he was fired from his job. Dewatt says losing his job immediately changed his state of mind. … Continue reading Financial Crisis Exactly What Man Needed To Forget About Crushing Emptiness & Boredom
Adam Westin of Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin just faked his 500th orgasm in under a year in an ongoing effort to avoid having children with his wife Rebecca who is completely unaware of what’s going on. “Adam and I have been … Continue reading Man Who Doesn’t Want Kids Fakes 500th Orgasm In Under A Year
(Topeka, KS) Now eight months past the American Dental Association’s recommended three month replacement period, 34-year-old James Simmons’ filthy, discolored toothbrush just gained consciousness and immediately began screaming internally to be put out of its misery. “Kill me now! I’m … Continue reading Now Sentient, Toothbrush Screaming Internally to Be Thrown Out Already
Henderson, NV – Local woman Jasmine Parker acquired a taste for glue today after exploring a longtime curiosity. Parker says she’d been wondering what glue tastes like ever since she saw other kids eating the gooey substance back when she … Continue reading Woman Eating 4th Helping of Glue No Longer Just Trying to Satisfy a Curiosity
Unsure of exactly what Columbus Day is, or how or why people celebrate it, local man Tim Morris of Delafield, Wisconsin says he’ll be absolutely livid if lawmakers remove the holiday. “This doesn’t impact Tim or anyone I know at … Continue reading Man Who Has Never Celebrated Columbus Day Says He’ll Be Livid if It’s Cancelled
So I’ve been trying for the better part of an hour now to put all of these cheap, plastic attachments back on my goddamned vacuum cleaner. One could certainly say by looking at the various shapes on the back of … Continue reading Help! I have no fucking clue how to fit these back on my vacuum cleaner
(Waukesha, WI) – Local man Brian Fitzsimmons who’s been down on his luck lately and desperate for anything to work out decided Sunday afternoon that he’d get himself a real lucky rabbit’s foot for good luck. First, Fitzsimmons found a … Continue reading Man spends better part of an hour sawing off a rabbit’s foot; what happens next will warm your heart
A can opener that was purchased from a Schaumburg, Illinois IKEA in 2012 has never been washed once in its life. Can opener owner Sean Miller says he has his reasons for never cleaning the device. “In all fairness I’m … Continue reading Can opener hasn’t been washed since it was bought 7 years ago
“Overall, I’d give the movie 5-stars,” Kellner stated. Continue reading Local Man Uses Catheter So He Doesn’t Miss Any Part of Avengers: Endgame
“I’ll be watching the donation basket like a hawk as it goes around. You toss a $20 in there and you better believe I’m throwing a few extra sassy swings in your direction during the pot parade.” Continue reading Local Priest Hopes Replacing Incense with Marijuana Goes Over Well
