Karen Pence says she will only allow her husband to debate Kamala Harris if she can sit on stage between the two candidates and “make sure that Mike doesn’t give in to sexual temptations.” Shortly after the news broke, Joe … Continue reading Karen Pence Insists on Sitting Between Mike Pence & Kamala Harris on Debate Stage
The American Association of Retired People (AARP) released a new poll today revealing that, when forced to choose, 87% of Americans over 50 would prefer to have sex with Joe Biden over Donald Trump. Reasons cited by the more than … Continue reading AARP Poll Ranks Biden as Being ‘Decidedly More Fuckable’ Than Trump
An adorable hamster that has housed the real brain of Ben Carson since a failed 2015 experiment came forward today to voice support for Joe Biden and Black Lives Matter. The hamster, which according to all leading scientists is Ben … Continue reading Hamster That Swapped Brains With Dr. Ben Carson in 2015 Supports Joe Biden, Black Lives Matter
Joe Biden issued a stunning correction today after claiming that “10 to 15% of Americans are not very good people.” Rather than try to smooth things over, Biden doubled down. “I am deeply sorry if I have offended anyone with … Continue reading Biden Doubles Down, Says ‘40% of Americans Are Rinky Dinky Chicken Shits’
After a morning interview in which former Vice President Joe Biden told black Americans “you ain’t black” if you are voting for Trump, president Trump fired back with two tweets, drawing a sharp contrast between the two candidates. Continue reading ‘If You Like Your Skin Color, You Can Keep It’ Trump Reassures Black Supporters
While trying to learn the proper etiquette for interacting with women, former vice president Joe Biden started an altercation with a mannequin that his staff was using to train him. Aides say that after trying countless times to put an … Continue reading What Does Joe Biden’s Argument With a Mannequin Say About His Mental Health?
Presidential candidate Joe Biden stated today at an Alabama rally that all of his easily-offended supporters need to stop saying that all Bernie Sanders supporters are internet trolls and bullies. “Bernie Sanders’ loudest and most controversial supporters represent less than … Continue reading Joe Biden Calls His Offended Base ‘Whiny Mooncalves’ For Complaining About Sanders Supporters
Several presidential candidates have been funneling donations into private health savings accounts in order to pay for their personal healthcare and medical bills as they inch closer and closer to death each day. Donald Trump, age 73, lead in fundraising … Continue reading Elderly presidential candidates use millions in donations to pay for their personal medical bills
In yet another major misstep, presidential candidate Joe Biden announced at a rally today that he “loves the smell of newborn babies,” adding that “the aroma is even better when they’re cooked.” “I was in the Cayman Islands and my … Continue reading Joe Biden tells stunned rally-goers a story about eating a baby
Joe Biden announced his plan at the Democratic Debate last night to enhance learning opportunities for underprivileged children. The former vice president says, if elected, he’ll be providing everyone with a free gramophone and educational vinyl records that explain why … Continue reading Joe Biden: “When I’m elected everyone will get a free gramophone!”
Those on the left are being told to stay indoors after public officials warned of a second active Koch brother. “Although one threat has been neutralized, there’s still another bad man reeking havoc on the country,” Joe Biden stated. The … Continue reading Officials warn liberals that a 2nd active Koch Brother is still at large
“In Narnia alone we lost centaurs, fauns – and some of them, I’m sure, were unicorns.”
Continue reading Sympathetic Biden and Trump express condolences after “shootings in Narnia, Middle-earth”
Biden’s hair came from his soundproof hobby room where he keeps his personal collection of real hair, mannequins and doll parts. Continue reading Staff Forces Joe Biden to Get Hair Plugs So He’ll Stop Smelling Women’s Hair
“I picked up the sweet, floral tones of South Colombian cocaine and the chemical aura of John Frieda’s Luxurious Volume Forever Full Hairspray for Fine Wigs.” – Joe Biden Continue reading Joe Biden: “Trump’s Wig Has an Overwhelming Odor Of Cocaine and Hairspray”
Biden was leering at the frail, 85 year old Senator Dianne Feinstein when he uttered the phrase. Continue reading Joe Biden Caught on Tape Saying “Punch Her in the Taco”
