Tucker Carlson Livid That The Green M&M Is ‘No Longer Fuckable’

According to sources at Fox News, entertainer Tucker Carlson has spent the last few days disillusioned, crying and upset that the Mars company has made their green M&M character “less sexy” by swapping out her high heels for regular shoes. … Continue reading Tucker Carlson Livid That The Green M&M Is ‘No Longer Fuckable’

Wheel Of Fortune Adds ‘Death Slot’ After Seeing Success Of Squid Game

The long-running, popular American TV game show Wheel of Fortune has updated its iconic wheel by replacing the ‘Bankruptcy’ slot with ‘DEATH.’ Due to the changes, players will now have a 1 in 24 chance of being executed by host … Continue reading Wheel Of Fortune Adds ‘Death Slot’ After Seeing Success Of Squid Game

guy fieri new contract 80 million or until he dies from heart attack

Food Network Signs $80 Million Contract With Guy Fieri For 3-Years, Or Until Death By Heart Attack

The Food Network announced today that they have come to an agreement with Guy Fieri on a new contract after a two week long discussion and multiple doctor’s visits to check up on Fieri’s health. Because of test results, the … Continue reading Food Network Signs $80 Million Contract With Guy Fieri For 3-Years, Or Until Death By Heart Attack

Glenn Beck Sobs Uncontrollably On Air While Reading One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

Radio and TV personality Glenn Beck spent the better part of his radio show today reading the cover of Dr. Seuss’s One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish while sobbing uncontrollably. Beck’s emotional reading of the book cover lasted … Continue reading Glenn Beck Sobs Uncontrollably On Air While Reading One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

Conservatives Looking Forward to Cackling Maniacally At Their TV Sets During the RNC

Republicans across the United States are excited to spend the next four nights cackling maniacally along with six Trumps and a handful of other speakers as they lay out their diabolical plans for the continued destruction of the country at … Continue reading Conservatives Looking Forward to Cackling Maniacally At Their TV Sets During the RNC

Warmer temperatures this weekend will reinforce that you are a lazy slob with no hobbies

With temperatures warming up, and plenty of things to do, most Americans will spend the weekend on the couch binge watching TV. “By 4pm or so on a Sunday, the majority of citizens will once again realize that they’re doing … Continue reading Warmer temperatures this weekend will reinforce that you are a lazy slob with no hobbies

Producer struggling to make Friends reunion special as shitty as original

Executive Producer Kevin Bright says he’s having an impossible time trying to recreate the original unwatchable-ness of the inexplicably popular sitcom Friends. “The show’s popularity was based solely on its blatant mediocrity,” Bright stated. “I can’t, in good conscience, bring … Continue reading Producer struggling to make Friends reunion special as shitty as original

ABC just cast everyone who’s left the Trump administration to fill next 24 seasons of Dancing With The Stars

ABC’s Dancing With The Stars announced today that they’ve cast of all 290 people who’ve left the Trump administration to fill the talent slots for the show’s next 24 seasons. Continue reading ABC just cast everyone who’s left the Trump administration to fill next 24 seasons of Dancing With The Stars