The newly-ousted former head of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg told reporters through teary eyes today that he had likely been permanently banned from his own social media platform and company. Zuckerberg, who stole the Facebook platform back in January of 2004, … Continue reading Mark Zuckerberg Banned & Fired From Facebook For Post After His Own AI Takes Over Company
Twitter CEO Elon Musk sent out a company-wide email today informing employees that they are all required to snort cocaine. “The entire staff must able to work nonstop, and for days on end,” Musk wrote. “The only way I see … Continue reading Elon Musk Fires All Staff That Won’t Do Cocaine: ‘Everyone Must Work Nonstop’
Washington State football head coach Nick Rolovich has been fired from his role after refusing to comply with a mandate requiring state educational employees to get the COVID vaccine by October 18th. Rolovich and four other coaches will all be … Continue reading Fired Anti-vaxx Football Coach Will Now ‘Stand Up For Himself’ In The Unemployment Line
35-year-old James Dewatt of Peoria, Illinois finally forgot about the emptiness and boredom that he’s been feeling for months on end today when he was fired from his job. Dewatt says losing his job immediately changed his state of mind. … Continue reading Financial Crisis Exactly What Man Needed To Forget About Crushing Emptiness & Boredom
CNN cut ties with former political commentator and two-time failed GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum today after realizing that he was just a half-baked ham balancing on an empty suit. CNN, who had allowed Santorum to be on air since … Continue reading CNN Fires Rick Santorum After Realizing He’s Just A Half-Baked Ham Balancing On An Empty Suit
A move by the Biden administration to suspend or fire any staff who have used marijuana has had unintended consequences after it was revealed that Vice President Kamala Harris previously smoked the drug. Harris was immediately placed on a 30-day … Continue reading Kamala Harris Suspended As Vice President Due To Past Marijuana Usage
The manufacturer of cocaine released a brief statement today cutting ties with their now-former spokesperson Donald Trump Jr. “We stand for responsible use of cocaine. A bump here, a line there. You know, a rail every once in awhile,” the … Continue reading Cocaine Drops Don Jr. As Official Spokesperson For Drug
White House chief of staff Mark Meadows has ordered FDA chief Dr. Stephen Hahn to either authorize the Pfizer vaccine by the end of today or submit his letter of resignation. The ultimatum comes despite countless, repeated remarks from the … Continue reading White House Frantically Demands Vaccine Be Approved Today Despite Virus Being ‘No Worse Than Flu’
Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale has been demoted to being the guy who hands president Trump a bottle of water when he wants to prove that he knows how to drink water. Parscale has been replaced by Bill Stepien, a … Continue reading Brad Parscale Demoted From Campaign Manager to Guy Who Hands Bottle of Water to Trump When He Wants to Prove He Knows How to Drink Water
UCLA has fired head coach Chip Kelly and replaced him with the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, Dr. Anthony Fauci. The schools says the decision comes after realizing that they can’t win if the whole … Continue reading UCLA Football Fires Chip Kelly, Hires Dr. Anthony Fauci as Head Coach
Just three days after retweeting a call for Dr. Anthony Fauci’s removal, Donald Trump made the firing official today by axing the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases. The president’s decision was announced Thursday afternoon immediately … Continue reading Fauci Out, Undertaker In: Trump Replaces Head Immunologist With Pro Wrestling Legend
After months of clashing opinions on Iran, North Korea and Afghanistan, president Trump has asked John Bolton’s mustache to resign. “John’s mustache is big, bushy and beautiful. It tickles my nape,” Trump tweeted. “But it also picked Afghanistan-Iran-North Korea for … Continue reading John Bolton’s mustache forced to resign as National Security Advisor
Gillette says they intend to replace the marketing team with all female, yet conservative employees “so both sides shut up.” Continue reading Awful Commercial Angers Men, Causes Hipsters to Shave Beards
