President Trump abruptly ended a news conference after ripping a loud fart in front of a crowd of supporters and reporters at an event in Bedminster, New Jersey today. During an exchange, CBS News White House correspondent Paula Reid called Trump out for lying about creating the Veterans Choice program. When Trump tried to ignore Reid and call on another reporter, Reid said, “You said that you passed Veterans Choice. It was passed in 2014… It was a false statement, sir.” Just then, the president let out a loud fart, turned bright red, and responded, “OK. Thank you very much, everybody.” Trump then slowly shuffled sideways off stage – having likely soiled himself – while the song “YMCA” began playing. Until today, Trump had never been heard farting while in public, although many staffers have reported that the president will frequently let out long farts while walking that squeak with every step. Notably, Trump’s fart marked the 1,500th time the president has used hot air and a load of crap to get out of answering a question. Photo Credit Michael Vadon
Republicans helped Kanye West get himself on the Wisconsin ballot for the 2020 presidential election today; a move that could divert votes from Joe Biden to West and hand Trump a victory in the swing state. Despite having unmanaged mental illness, Republicans are putting West on ballots around the country and sending him from state to state to give speeches that turn into public mental breakdowns – a trait that many argue could steal Trump supporter votes as well. As of press time, Democrats said they would try to split the Trump vote by placing former grand wizard of the KKK David Duke on the ballot.
Was it a cult leader or a world leader? Are you smart enough to know whether it was Charles Manson or Donald Trump who said these 10 quotes? [Grab a pencil. Answer key after article] 1. “Believe me, if I started murdering people, there’d be none of you left.” 2. “There’s nothing wrong with being incompetent. It just means you don’t have to do as much.” 3. “I’m the king of this whole planet. I’m gonna rule this whole world.” 4. “I’m the pope. I’m ten times the pope. I’m sixty times the pope.” 5. “What the hell would I wanna go off and go to work for? Work for what? Money? I got all the money in the world. I’m the king, man. I run the underworld, guy. I decide who does what and where they do it at. What am I gonna run around like some teeny bopper somewhere for someone else’s money? I make the money man, I roll the nickels. The game is mine. I deal the cards.” 6. “Words are your words. You invented the words, and you made a dictionary and you gave me the dictionary and you said, ‘These are what the words mean.’ Well, this is what they mean to you, but to someone else, they have got a different dictionary.” 7. “They’re gonna take your courtrooms. They’re gonna take your money and they’re gonna take your country. They’re gonna take your resources.” 8. “You people would convict a grilled cheese sandwich of murder and the people wouldn’t question it.” 9. “You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody’s crazy.” 10. “I was so smart when I was a kid that I learnt that I was dumb fast.” Scroll Down For Answer Key …..….…… Answers 1-10: Charles Manson. Although all of these statements sound like something Donald Trump would say, they are all quotes from cult leader Charles Manson.
SpaceX astronauts Robert Behnken and Douglas Hurley are refusing orders to return to Earth this weekend, citing the uncontrolled spread of coronavirus and social unrest in their home country of the United States. “Although we have already carried out our mission successfully, we’ve decided to remain in space until the US can get its shit together,” Behnken stated. “Maybe if our country had some semblance of a comprehensive plan to defeat the virus we’d be coming back.” Fellow astronaut Douglas Hurley echoed Behnken’s statement. “No one in their right mind would return to that chaos when they could just float around and wait it out up here instead,” Hurley confirmed while sporting a Black Lives Matter shirt. “It’s likely we won’t return until president Trump is no longer in office because – let’s face it – nothing is getting better. In fact, it’s only getting worse down there.”
President Trump shared a video on Twitter yesterday featuring a doctor named Stella Immanuel who claimed that she’s cured COVID-19 with hydroxychloroquine. Within minutes of posting the video, it was revealed that Dr. Immanuel also believes that having sexual intercourse with demons is the cause of diseases and that the government is run by reptilians. “If this source is good enough for Donald, then it is good enough for me,” an elated Melania Trump stated. “So beginning today – for personal health reasons – I will no longer be fulfilling any sexual aspects of my marriage contract until someone can prove to me that my husband isn’t an evil lizard-demon.” As of press time vice president Mike Pence said that he “fully supported” Melania’s decision, admitting that he has “never had sex with Mother for any reason other than procreation.”
Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters today that for the past two months he had been “dressing up as a hot lady named Dr. Antonia Fauciano” for briefings with Donald Trump in order to deter the president from firing him. Fauci says he managed to keep the ruse up until Trump grabbed him by the crotch yesterday. “I’ve worked under five presidents and at no point did I ever think that I would be molested by one of them,” Fauci stated. “But yesterday, Mr. Trump pulled me aside, told me that he wished I was his daughter, and then grabbed my crotch. So I’m not doing this anymore.” As of Tuesday morning Dr. Fauci said he would not be stepping down and that he would be pressing charges against the president.
(Hibbing, Minnesota) The very last brain cell of diehard Trump supporter Doug Wilkins is dead sure that liberals are going to stop wearing masks now that the president has called putting on the protective gear a ‘patriotic’ act. “The president is using reverse psychology to expose the libs and the fake news,” Wilkins laughed. “Trump is playing three dimensional chess. You’ll see. None of them will be wearing masks.” Hours later, after having gone outside only to see everyone was still wearing masks, Wilkins’ last brain cell began having its second complete thought of the day. “I’m either going to have to give in and wear a mask or decide that Trump has become an emasculated, virtue signaling cuck who has given into liberal mask-wearing propaganda,” Wilkins realized out loud right before his head exploded. Photo credit Lorie Shaull