Google announced today that they’ve offered to buy Fitbit for $2.1 billion as soon as the company can isolate and remove all data derived from user masturbation. Google says they plan to implement the “fap-free data” in their wearable technology. … Continue reading Google: “We’ll buy Fitbit as soon as they remove all the masturbation data”
An executive order from the desk of President Trump has put an end to genetically-modified, cyborg baby programs. Continue reading U.S. Stops Development of Genetically-Modified, Cybernetic Babies
“Contrary to popular belief, fingerlike appendages do not exit the butt and press on the phone screen, that’s poop you’re thinking of.” Continue reading The Science of The Butt Dial: How Your Booty Calls People Without You Knowing
“The geriatric cyborgs have two convenient USB ports allowing customers to charge their phones,” Walmart CEO Doug McMillon stated.
Continue reading Walmart Implants Elderly Greeters With Robotic Parts
“This bendable phone comes with all of the same features as the Galaxy Fold, but the device can only be folded in half one time,” Samsung CEO Kim Suk stated. Continue reading Samsung Announces its Cheaper, Single-Use Galaxy 1-Fold
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.” Continue reading Mars Rover Found Dead From Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation
“I think that my aunt needing 57 stitches in the buttcheeks and rectal region is a strong selling point for the product.” – Kholer President & CEO Continue reading Demand for Structurally-Reinforced Toilets Spikes as More Obese Americans Poop With Their Smart Phones
Those who take prescription drugs made by Pfizer will not be able to notice the difference. Continue reading Pfizer Releases Pills that Slowly Deduct Money from Your Bank Account
“Now it will look like you want to pay attention to your baby.” Continue reading Google & Pampers Partner to Make ‘Pampers Glass’ Diapers
Samsung Soft: Televisions You Can Beat the Living **** Out Of. Continue reading Introducing Samsung Soft: The Smart TV that you can Punch
“Volvo states that “physically, the cars will be exactly the same as current models; however…” Continue reading Volvo Unveils Controversial Car Designed ‘Exclusively for Women’
“This lengthy, intricate study was conducted by the folks at the Harvard Center for Brain Science and incorporated proven Penis Responsiveness Technology (PRT) and Brainwave Function Reading (BFR) from leading scientists from the Biomimetic Robotics Lab at MIT.” Continue reading Harvard Study Reveals that All Homophobic Men are Gay
“You are swerving,” the program warns, ” try closing one eye.”
Additionally, there are several celebrity voice options to choose from, such as: Mel Gibson, Betty White, and Lindsey Lohan, to name a few.
While driving, your phone will tell you how many miles you have left to your destination, all the while, reciting Continue reading New iPhone Application Encourages Users to Drive Drunk
Man versus Food has been cited as one of the main causes of death. A show in which one bloated, obese, and sweaty man stuffs his face with ridiculous amounts of food, often to the point of vomiting. One Zambian, Sonkwe Meluhli, has seen half of her family members end their lives. Continue reading Suicide Rates Peak as Technology Hits 3rd World Countries
