New iPhone Application Encourages Users to Drive Drunk

In what can only be called a stunning release, Apple announced it’s newest application today, the “Driving While Inspired” program (D.W.I.), which, when engaged, encourages inebriated individuals to get into a vehicle and drive.

The “App” (if you will) was designed by a Christian group that cites several Bible verses for the new creation’s inspiration.

Group leader, Samuel Jorgenson, defended the application in the face of much backlash.

“The Bible strongly encourages drinking alcohol,” said Jorgenson, “Jesus, our Lord Himself liked to get drunk with sinners as He preached the gospel of salvation to them.”

” I mean, c’mon, Matthew 11:19: ‘The Son of Man came eating and drinking.’  Case closed.”

The program, which offers tips and spiritual support, has many helpful functions.

For example, it can read your B.A.C. and record it on any day, at any time.  Using this data, it can later help you to work up the courage to drive.

“You pussy, you’ve been more drunk before,” the app says (citing specific dates and times) when it overhears friends trying to convince you to not get behind the wheel.

Not only that, once you get into your car, the application gives you active tips on how to improve your driving.

“You are swerving,” the program warns, ” try closing one eye.”

Screen shot 2015-01-17 at 6.04.20 PMAdditionally, there are several celebrity voice options to choose from, such as: Mel Gibson, Betty White, and Lindsey Lohan, to name a few.

While driving, your phone will tell you how many miles you have left to your destination, all the while, reciting pro-drinking Bible passages and letting you know if there are any police officers in the area.

So far, Jorgenson says that the most downloaded verse is Mark 7: 17-23.

“Our Savior proclaimed that drinking alcohol can’t make a person unclean.” He slurred, “Because we are better than that.”

Clumsily opening his world’s best seller and most stolen hard cover, Jorgenson’s breath soaked the room with the scent of Gin, reading, “Are you so dull?” Jesus asked. “Don’t you see that nothing that enters a man from the outside can make him unclean!? For it does not go into his heart but into his stomach, and then out of his body.”

Pausing to take a shot, he continued “So Jesus declared all foods and drinks to be clean, and he even talked about pooping… did you catch that?”

For just $9.99 users can get an iPhone attachment which conveniently conceals an extra car key when friends take your primary set away.

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