“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.” Continue reading Congress Passes Resolution to Completely Ignore Middle East
China announced today that it will be launching its first massive shuttle filled with hundreds of elderly citizens into a supermassive black hole. With China’s 65 and older population expected to reach 487 million, or nearly 35 percent by 2050, … Continue reading China will launch their elderly into a supermassive black hole large enough to quietly solve their population problem
North Korea has been hit with the toughest US sanctions yet after Kim Jong-un revealed he has an arsenal of insults from an 1811 English dictionary ready to launch at president Trump at a moment’s notice. “We’ve got flapdoodle, gibfaced … Continue reading North Korea threatens to launch insults capable of destroying Trump’s ego
Leaders from Germany, France, Mexico, Canada, Italy, China, Norway, Denmark, the President of the Ukraine, and twelve other countries have released a signed petition publicly supporting Donald Trump’s impeachment. The document – which was drawn up by Canada in order … Continue reading Unprecedented: Coalition of world leaders sign petition supporting Trump’s impeachment
PornHub CEO Mike Zoffler and countless other companies from the industry have revealed that literally all of the legal pornography on the internet is being stored 375 feet under the Arctic ice in a remote location. Notably, there’s a global … Continue reading All of the porn on the internet is being preserved in this Arctic cave
Those wanting the new Apple Card will begin their contracts $2,000 in debt as the credit card is the first to require a starting balance. Savvy consumers will have the option to purchase an upgrade chip that lowers their APR … Continue reading New Apple Card costs $2000, has an optional add-on chip to lower APR by 1%
“As the AX-570 android referred to as “Barron” appeared to grow in its capacity to feel, perceive, and experience subjectivity, the android’s aggression toward president Trump grew exponentially.” Continue reading AX-570 android “Barron Trump” returned to a Japanese factory after malfunction causes it to attack
President Trump has raised security concerns after Sarah Palin was divorced by longtime husband Todd yesterday. “Todd took the house with the prefect view of Russia, and I’m assuming Moscow, ” Trump stated. “Sarah was our first line of defense … Continue reading Security concerns raised after newly divorced Sarah Palin can no longer see Russia from her house
After months of clashing opinions on Iran, North Korea and Afghanistan, president Trump has asked John Bolton’s mustache to resign. “John’s mustache is big, bushy and beautiful. It tickles my nape,” Trump tweeted. “But it also picked Afghanistan-Iran-North Korea for … Continue reading John Bolton’s mustache forced to resign as National Security Advisor
“Once I hit the 20-minute mark there was a turtle head poking out. Just in and out, in and out it went,” Francis gestured with his fingertip through an O-shape on his other hand. Continue reading Pope Francis pooped in an elevator today after being stuck in it for just 25 minutes
Scientists say that everyone’s genetic activity is measurable and that soon devices will be able to scan people and determine just how gay they are. Continue reading UK Study proves that all human genes are gay
As of this week China has stolen enough US secrets, technology and data to begin growing its own United States. Continue reading Trade War End in Sight: China is growing test tube copies of the US to trade with instead
A tribe of at least 1,200 gigantic Amazonian women has fled into Brazil’s cities in order to escape unbelievably massive rainforest fires that have been burning for three weeks. The invasion of oversized woman left most Brazilians shocked, intrigued or … Continue reading A tribe of 8-foot tall Amazonian Women who fled rainforest fires are terrifying Brazilians
A recent study by the scientific journal Intelligence shows that people with high IQs are more likely to suffer from mental anxiety and hyper-reactive central nervous systems. What do you think? -Sharon Jenkins, Anger Management Coach – Jarret Zewinski, Learning … Continue reading Increased risk of mental and physical disorders in high IQ people, obvious study finds
After being reminded countless times that Puerto Rico is a part of the United States, president Trump has decided to trade the island for Greenland. “Puerto Rico can’t get their act together,” Trump stated. “So we’re going to swap it … Continue reading President Trump says he’ll exchange Puerto Rico for Greenland
In the midst of the ongoing US-China trade war, China has announced that they will no longer be shipping sex dolls to the United States. Known for their hightech, lifelike robots, China will now force Americans to interact with other … Continue reading Trade War: China no longer shipping sex dolls to the United States
“First and foremost, we must blow up the nukes to make sure that no one gets their hands on them.” – President Trump Continue reading The US government is trying to decide between nuking San Francisco or outer space
“There’s a lot of geography going on over there,” Trump stated. “So I’ll be aiming straight south so there’s no surprises.” Continue reading North Korea Invites Trump to Launch Next Round of Test Missiles
