The Center for Disease Control announced today that they’ve discovered a new strain of herpes that causes humans to grow extra nipples. Referred to as “nerpes,” the contagious disease has been discovered in 27 states so far. “Symptoms include flare-ups … Continue reading CDC reports new strain of herpes that causes extra nipples to grow on your body
Sucking on flavored condoms has made Mike Pence ill and killed at least six people after they choked on the prophylactics. In response, Congress is readying a ban on the tasty dick wrappers amid an unparalleled outbreak of safe oral … Continue reading Congress will ban flavored condom sales as blowjob epidemic grows
A new poll on obesity by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, shows sixty-three percent of Americans would rather pee on Donald Trump every night for the rest of their lives than cook a healthy meal. “Most people said … Continue reading Poll: Majority of Americans would rather pee on Donald Trump than cook a healthy meal
The entire White House staff is being tested and many are being treated for syphilis. Experts are saying that the diagnosis makes sense as all the symptoms are present. “Syphilis-induced mental illness would explain the administration’s inability to make intelligent … Continue reading Most of the White House staff is being treated for syphilis
Purdue Pharma, the makers of oxycontin, announced today that it is willing to settle thousands of lawsuits related to the opioid epidemic by giving Americans $12 billion worth of free pills. “There’s a lot of people in a lot of … Continue reading Maker of Oxycontin offers 36 pills to every American to settle opioid lawsuits
The NFL is in hot water again – this time for using human kidneys as football bladders which are used in official game balls during the regular and post-season. For 14 seasons the NFL has purchased over 3,500 kidneys on … Continue reading NFL buys 3,500 human kidneys for football bladders every year
Having already overcome four types of cancer, including colon and lung, the 89-year-old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says she plans to defeat every disease known to man by 2040. Ginsburg, who is currently battling pancreatic cancer, plans to … Continue reading Ruth Bader Ginsburg vows to beat every disease known to man by 2040
“With the amount of mass shootings we’re having, it’s not unreasonable to expect savings of around $4,500 a year.” Continue reading Most of Country Keeping Flags at Half-Staff to Save on Labor Costs
“This alcohol-infused breakfast beverage is the perfect way to start your workday or end your marriage.” Continue reading Pabst is Selling Alcoholic ‘Hard Coffee’ Because Fuck It
Finally there’s a way for insomniacs and worriers to get a good night’s sleep. Continue reading Having Trouble Sleeping? Bathing in the Blood of Your Enemies Could Help
Authorities list gunpowder, Sudafed, oregano, ammonium nitrate fertilizer, paint thinner and celery salt as some of the ingredients. Continue reading KFC’s ‘Secret Recipe’ is Just Explosives & Methamphetamines
“It’s safe to say that most residents of the state of Mississippi have been vegetarian, or close to it, since 2009.” – Governor Phil Bryant Continue reading Mississippi Has Been Feeding Its Unsuspecting Residents Vegan, Plant-Based Protein Since 2009
Now it’s possible to avoid having to pay a doctor for their time spent curled up on the operating table next to your barely-clothed, unconscious body. Continue reading Surgeons Will No Longer Be Required To Take Naps Halfway Through Operations
We can’t have Canada smelling like burnt, used condoms anymore,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau stated. Continue reading Canada Will Ban All Single-Use Condoms by 2021
“People who have to smell their food before eating it are complete monsters.” Continue reading ‘Food Smellers’ Need to Stop Weirding-Out Normal Eaters
Japan will resume the commercial killing of overweight citizens in an effort to curb the population of the island and supplement dwindling soybean supplies. Continue reading Japan Resumes Hunting of Overweight Citizens After 30-Year Ban
“The people alive today are the last generation of humans that’ll live on this planet as we know it. Having said that, I’d like to invite everyone to go ahead and eat a dick.” Continue reading Al Gore to Release Scathing Climate Change Film Titled ‘Bitches, I Fucking Warned You!’
“Without the cheese it just flows right through you.” – CEO Brian Niccols Continue reading Taco Bell Releases Cheese-Free Colon Cleanse Menu
