The coronavirus-free states of Alaska, Montana, Alabama, Mississippi, West Virginia, and Maine have begun construction of their own border walls in order to keep people with the virus out. Alabama Governor Kay Ivey was very direct today when asked about … Continue reading Six of the Remaining States Without Coronavirus Begin Construction of Border Walls
Completely oblivious of the Coronavirus, Canadian rock band Nickelback has continued the United States leg of their “All the Right Reasons” world tour as the typical crowd size of seven people hasn’t dwindled since the outbreak began. Public health officials … Continue reading Unaware of Coronavirus, Nickelback Continues Tour of Playing to Empty Stadiums
(Denver, CO) Local man Peter Darling says the unadjustable, nearly-freezing cold water in his workplace restroom is most likely not killing off the Coronavirus, or any other germs for that matter. “If anything, we’re probably giving the virus a nice, … Continue reading Unadjustable, 40-Degree Tap Water at Work Isn’t Killing Anything
The largest chain of Italian-themed restaurants in the United States – Olive Garden – has placed all 840 of its locations under mandatory quarantine after Italian Premier Giuseppe Conte put a lockdown on travel across the entirety of Italy. The … Continue reading Quarantine of All Olive Gardens Begins as Brand Overdoes Authenticity
Leaders at the World Health Organization (WHO) pleaded with people across the globe today to stop rubbing their eyeballs together. WHO says the act is the fastest and easiest way to spread the coronavirus. “It’s common practice in many parts … Continue reading “Please Stop Rubbing Your Eyeballs Together,” WHO Pleads as Coronavirus Spreads
1 in 4 people are chronic snorers, and if you’re reading this, we know that you’re desperately looking for a solution that will end your partner’s snoring for good. So here it is, plain and simple: this quick lifehack will … Continue reading Lifehack: How 35 Weighted Blankets Can Get Your Partner to Stop Snoring for Good
Scientists at the World Health Organization (WHO) announced today that internet celebrity Belle Delphine’s bathwater was the initial source of the coronavirus. According to the cosplay star’s website, Delphine has sold her dirty bathwater to fans across the globe – … Continue reading Belle Delphine’s Bathwater Identified as Source of Coronavirus
After conservative shock jock Rush Limbaugh told his radio listeners that he was diagnosed with lung cancer today, people across the globe opened their hearts and their wallets to raise money to remove Rush Limbaugh from the young lung tumor. … Continue reading GoFundMe Raises Over $200,000 to Remove Malignant Rush Limbaugh From Lung Tumor
Vanilla Coke fans are up in arms after Coca-Cola announced they’d be modifying their recipe to no longer include castoreum: a mixture of the anal secretions and urine of beavers that is also found in perfume. Notably, the FDA approves the use of … Continue reading Beaver urine and anal gland juices to be removed from Vanilla Coke recipe
Secretary of Commerce and ventriloquist dummy come-to-life Wilbur Ross publicly announced today that he prays the spread of the coronavirus will bring “death economy jobs” to America. “With the titilating prospect of the coronavirus becoming a global pandemic, citizens will … Continue reading Coronavirus: ‘Death jobs’ are coming to America, Secretary of Commerce says
British Airways announced today that they’ll be denying all healthy passengers access to flights both to and from China. Instead, the company says it will offer flights exclusively to people infected with the coronavirus. “Our pilots, flight attendants, baggage handlers, … Continue reading British Airways will exclusively fly people infected with coronavirus to keep passengers safe
The first case of the coronavirus has hit the US and the Center for Disease Control has partnered with Corona Light to raise a glass and some awareness. The two organizations say the cure could be as simple as drinking … Continue reading CDC: An ice-cold, refreshing Corona Light could make you immune to the coronavirus
“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.” Continue reading Congress Passes Resolution to Completely Ignore Middle East
Until I read Susan Collin’s book ‘Quiet‘ I never consciously realized I was a prattling, annoying bitch. It was one of life’s “aha” moments. I personally don’t believe extroversion is a virtue. Extroverts: If you took the time to shut the fuck up, … Continue reading Extroverted? Here are 5 tips on how to shut the fuck up
A New Year’s resolution poll of over 6,000 Americans revealed that 67% of people want to break the habit of checking behind the shower curtains for murderers and monsters before going pee in 2020. Where do you stand on this … Continue reading Resolution: Let’s all stop checking behind the shower curtains before going pee in 2020
A blood stain is one of the most challenging stains to remove from your floors. This week we’ll be teaching you how to remove blood from your hardwood or linoleum floor using Totally Spot-Less Bleach powered by Clorox 2®. Step … Continue reading How do I get this out? Your guide to blood removal with Clorox bleach
Staff at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center have confirmed that president Trump’s unannounced visit was prompted by gas that caused the president to suffer from intense abdominal pain and cramping. “The president was in tears, inconsolable, and shouting ‘This … Continue reading A long, wet fart ended Trump’s mystery Walter Reed Hospital visit
