A new poll on obesity by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, shows sixty-three percent of Americans would rather pee on Donald Trump every night for the rest of their lives than cook a healthy meal.

“Most people said they’d prefer standing there, straddling the president and unleashing a stream of hot yellow Kool-Aid all over the commander in chief’s face and body,” CDC Director Robert Redfield stated. “So it’s going to take a lot more to get this obesity crisis turned around than anyone initially thought.”