Donald Trump claims to have narrowly survived 13 assassination attempts within 24 hours at the hands of Taylor Swift fans.
The chaos began several hours after Trump posted, “I hate Taylor Swift,” on social media, igniting a firestorm online that spilled into his front yard.
Not long after his post, Taylor Swift diehards began to gather outside of Trump’s Mar-a-Lago by the thousands. In no time, the area was overrun with Swifties armed with high-powered friendship bracelet cannons, glittery Karma grenades, flashbang wrist bands, deafeningly-powerful sound systems, and even a bright pink military tank.
“These people are INSANE! They believe in and will do ANYTHING she says!” shouted a stunned Secret Service agent as the echoing of Swift’s hit song ‘Blank Space (Taylor’s Version)’ reverberated through the multimillion dollar garage and dozens of magnificently-dressed Swifties bashed Trump’s own golf clubs against his car collection.
“Other than most of president Trump’s supporters, I’ve never seen this dangerous level of blind loyalty! These people should be locked up!”
Meanwhile, inside Mar-a-Lago, chaos ensued after a Swiftie threw a boombox through a window which began blasting the song “No Body, No Crime”.
Trump, upon hearing music was now coming from inside the estate, became convinced that some members of his campaign must be secret Swifties themselves, and initiated a series of intense waterboarding interrogations.
“Someone in this room is Team Taylor, and I’m going to find out who!” Trump shouted as JD Vance was held down on a sofa and waterboarded. “Why do you have an erection, JD!? Why are you enjoying this!?”
As the glitter-fueled “riot” raged on outside, Trump retreated to his panic room. Even from inside, the blaring sound of “Look What You Made Me Do (Taylor’s Version)” echoed ominously.
In a video posted to Truth Social, real blood dripped from his ears for the first time in his life as a tearful Trump could barely be heard shouting, “I’ve seen crazy people. I know crazy. Believe me. Believe me. They come to my rallies. They are my base. But they like me. This? This is madness. She’s done. Over! Why didn’t they make this room soundproof!?”
Meanwhile, an inconsolable Sean Hannity barricaded himself under his desk at Fox News on live television. The sobbing, incoherent Hannity then begged Swift to tell her fans to “Leave my big [crying noises, indistinguishable]. Leave my big, big poppa bear alone!!!”
Minutes later Taylor Swift posted a message to her website, referencing her own lyrics:
“If I wanted you dead… I would’ve just said.
Swifties. Stand back… and stand by.”
