In a shocking move today, First Lady Melania Trump announced that her ‘Be Best’ program against bullying has reached its surprise, final phase: voting Donald Trump out of office. “My fellow Americans. The time has come to teach the biggest … Continue reading First Lady Announces Final Phase of ‘Be Best’ Program is Voting Donald Trump Out of Office
(The Astral Plane) Tensions are running high in Heaven tonight as the 170,000+ Americans who have died from COVID-19 are protesting God for taking the wrong Trump. Authorities say the protests, which are being led by the late father of … Continue reading Heaven: 170,000 COVID Victims Protest God For Taking Wrong Trump
Karen Pence says she will only allow her husband to debate Kamala Harris if she can sit on stage between the two candidates and “make sure that Mike doesn’t give in to sexual temptations.” Shortly after the news broke, Joe … Continue reading Karen Pence Insists on Sitting Between Mike Pence & Kamala Harris on Debate Stage
President Trump put out a statement today in which he said he would be banning all dating apps with an executive order in the coming week. The move comes after experts found that random sexual encounters were fueling the pandemic. … Continue reading Trump to Ban Dating Apps as Fauci Calls For ‘Slut Shaming’ to Curb Pandemic
Was it a cult leader or a world leader? Are you smart enough to know whether it was Charles Manson or Donald Trump who said these 10 quotes? [Grab a pencil. Answer key after article] 1. “Believe me, if I … Continue reading Who Said It: Donald Trump or Cult Leader Charles Manson?
President Trump is sending federal agents to the US suburbs in order to show citizens just “how easy it is to take their mail.” The move comes in an effort to prove that mail-in ballots will cause large-scale voter fraud … Continue reading Trump Sends Federal Agents to Suburbs to Demonstrate How Easy It Is to Steal Your Mail
President Trump told reporters today that he believed that mail-in voting for the 2020 election would result in the most inaccurate and fraudulent election in history. Trump added that he’d be “much more comfortable” having Russia oversee the mail-in ballots … Continue reading Trump Says Unbiased Third Party ‘Such as Russia’ Should Oversee 2020 Mail-In Ballots
A German Shepherd named Max who served in both Iraq and Afghanistan is refusing to accept the Medal of Honor until the United States elects a new president. “I would rather be shaved bald and forced to take a bath … Continue reading Heroic Dog Refuses to Accept Medal of Honor Until Country Elects a Real Leader
Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters today that for the past two months he had been “dressing up as a hot lady named Dr. Antonia Fauciano” for briefings with Donald Trump in order to deter the president from firing him. Fauci … Continue reading Dr. Fauci: ‘I Dressed Up As a Hot Lady to Deter Trump From Firing Me’
Democrats are taking heat after forcing a clandestine weekend vote today in which they managed to approve a minor name change to US Army base Fort Bragg; one of several US bases named after Confederate generals. “In honor of president … Continue reading Name Change: Fort Bragg Drops Last ‘G’ in Honor of Donald Trump
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.” Continue reading Trump’s High School Revokes GED
Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale has been demoted to being the guy who hands president Trump a bottle of water when he wants to prove that he knows how to drink water. Parscale has been replaced by Bill Stepien, a … Continue reading Brad Parscale Demoted From Campaign Manager to Guy Who Hands Bottle of Water to Trump When He Wants to Prove He Knows How to Drink Water
The White House announced today that they will be issuing a mandate requiring families with school-aged children to send at least one child to school as tribute for a school reopening experiment. “Because our nation is so divided right now … Continue reading Families Told to ‘Select One Child as Tribute’ For School Reopening Experiment
An explanation for the United States’ abysmal handling of the coronavirus has come to light after Trump stated that he has been trying to quietly build up America’s COVID-19 bioweapon stockpile ever since the virus reached the country. Specifically, the … Continue reading Trump: ‘America Is Stockpiling Coronavirus to Use at a Later Date’
It was revealed today by Donald Trump’s niece Mary that the president cheated on his SATs by having someone else take the exam for him. The White House has admitted to the allegation and Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany provided an … Continue reading Trump Couldn’t Take SATs Due to ‘Bone Spurs in His Buttocks’
The National Football League announced today that it will be playing three distinct audio files before each football game throughout the 2020 season. First, the black national anthem, second the Billy Bush-Access Hollywood tape in which president Trump says ‘Grab … Continue reading NFL Says It’s Going to Play Trump’s ‘Grab Her By the Pussy’ Tape Before Every Game
Jeffrey Epstein’s former right hand woman, Ghislaine Maxwell, who is accused of helping Mr. Epstein sexually abuse countless girls as young as 14, was accidentally lobotomized at the Merrimack County Jail today. The tragic mishap took place when Maxwell’s files … Continue reading Ghislaine Maxwell ‘Accidentally Lobotomized’ Just Hours Into Her Lock Up
Sources inside the White House revealed today that president Trump refuses to wear a mask because he is afraid of the R.L. Stine children’s horror book The Haunted Mask in which a Halloween mask slowly becomes part of the main … Continue reading Trump Won’t Wear a Mask Because He’s Afraid of This Goosebumps Book
