Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters today that for the past two months he had been “dressing up as a hot lady named Dr. Antonia Fauciano” for briefings with Donald Trump in order to deter the president from firing him. Fauci says he managed to keep the ruse up until Trump grabbed him by the crotch yesterday.

“I’ve worked under five presidents and at no point did I ever think that I would be molested by one of them,” Fauci stated. “But yesterday, Mr. Trump pulled me aside, told me that he wished I was his daughter, and then grabbed my crotch. So I’m not doing this anymore.”

As of Tuesday morning Dr. Fauci said he would not be stepping down and that he would be pressing charges against the president.