White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany shocked the press today when she accidentally acknowledged that science does in fact exist, but that it shouldn’t impact the decisions the nation makes during the pandemic. “A little thing called ‘science’ should not … Continue reading White House Stuns Press By Accidentally Acknowledging Existence of Science
57-year-old death row inmate and serial killer Kyle Perklans was forcibly removed from the Louisiana State Penitentiary today after refusing to follow the institution’s mask guidelines. Perklans, who was scheduled to die from lethal injection on Saturday night, is now … Continue reading Death Row Inmate Kicked Out of Prison For Refusing to Wear a Mask
An explanation for the United States’ abysmal handling of the coronavirus has come to light after Trump stated that he has been trying to quietly build up America’s COVID-19 bioweapon stockpile ever since the virus reached the country. Specifically, the … Continue reading Trump: ‘America Is Stockpiling Coronavirus to Use at a Later Date’
During an evening address at the Vatican, Pope Francis made remarks on the coronavirus and the state of the world that included harsh words for US president Donald Trump and his supporters. “Truly I tell you, there is a reason … Continue reading Pope Francis Calls Trump Supporters ‘Evil at Worst, Stupid at Best’
UCLA has fired head coach Chip Kelly and replaced him with the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, Dr. Anthony Fauci. The schools says the decision comes after realizing that they can’t win if the whole … Continue reading UCLA Football Fires Chip Kelly, Hires Dr. Anthony Fauci as Head Coach
Slathered in oil and soaking up the sun on a crowded Huntington Beach, right-wing Californian Cassandra Davies says she’s expressing her “right to go outside, get a nice dark tan, and do whatever the hell I want.” “I don’t know … Continue reading Patriot Criticizes Protests During Pandemic While Lounging on a Crowded Beach
A source from the White House confirmed today that the staff is making desperate attempts to get president Trump to take the COVID-19 pandemic seriously. Just this morning White House aides grabbed a marker and a piece of paper and … Continue reading Staffers Add Dollar Sign, Comma & Three Zeroes to Death Toll in Attempt to Get Trump to Take Virus Seriously
Hurting for money after several weeks without holding a single mass, Father Peter Gibbons of St. Margaret’s Parish in Austin, TX is now deeply regretting his decision to buy a 45-gallon trash can for collecting donations. “The optics are off. … Continue reading New 45-Gallon Donation Basket Not as Subtle as Priest Imagined
Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer announced this afternoon that president Donald Trump has been banned from her state. The announcement comes hours after Trump broke state law by not wearing a face mask during his visit to a Michigan Ford plant … Continue reading Michigan Bans Trump, Revokes ‘Man of The Year’ Award
Despite being unable to utilize most office space or conference rooms, tech companies across the United States are pushing to reopen offices so that workers can commute to their Zoom meetings; serving as a firm reminder that employee autonomy only … Continue reading Tech Companies Scramble to Reopen Offices so Workers Can Commute to Zoom Meetings
Researchers are reporting that early trials with the drug chloroform have been successful in preventing the spread of COVID-19 by people refusing to follow social distancing rules. “The scientific community is optimistic that chloroform can help to subdue people who … Continue reading Chloroform Drug Trials Prove Successful in Subduing Those Refusing to Socially Distance
There are no laws in the state of Wisconsin anymore after a shocking 4-3 decision by the state Supreme Court found today that none of the state’s laws, or even the constitution itself, are constitutional. In the majority opinion conservative … Continue reading Wisconsin Supreme Court Suspends All Laws, Citing Infringement on Personal Freedoms
A group of over 200 immunology experts from around the world released a letter today begging Americans to “keep a safe distance of at least six channels from Fox News.” The letter listed several reasons for for the warning. “Fox … Continue reading Medical Experts Recommend Staying at Least 6 Channels Away From Fox News
With most major music events having been cancelled worldwide, and new music videos being postponed, the music industry is now defending itself for letting more than 115,000 non-essential twerkers go this week. “Although the industry itself will likely never die, … Continue reading Struggling Music Industry Defends Firing of Non-Essential Twerkers
God is facing criticism from Trump and his supporters after the president issued an angry, ranting, hour-long address on the National Day of Prayer that repeatedly trashed the deity for allowing the Coronavirus to get out of control. “Dear big … Continue reading Furious Trump Unloads On God for ‘Allowing Coronavirus to Get Out of Control’
Sporting vibrant red lipstick and holding up signs offering free kisses, countless protesters in Huntington Beach, California and Springfield, Illinois completely ignored government social distancing rules over the weekend by gathering together and passionately planting kisses on one another. “This … Continue reading Protesters Set Up ‘COVID Kissing Booths’ in the Face of Government Warnings
Experts at the World Health Organization (WHO) released a pointed statement today revealing that they hope to open all Americans up to COVID-19 facts and teach them basic reasoning skills by early June – with the end goal being to … Continue reading Experts Say They Hope to Open America Up to Facts, Reason By Early June
(Rochester, MN) The Mayo Clinic medical center announced today that it is weighing the pros and cons of offering non-mayonnaise-based treatments for the first time in their 156 years of operation. “After reporting zero breakthroughs in our COVID-19 testing labs … Continue reading Mayo Clinic Considering Using Something Other Than Mayonnaise to Treat Patients
