Jealous?: Anti-Vaxxers Are 11 Times More Likely To Meet God Before You

Scientists across the globe are now starting to admit that there is a perk for those of us who are wisely choosing not to get vaccinated against Covid: We’re 11 times more likely to meet God sooner than all of … Continue reading Jealous?: Anti-Vaxxers Are 11 Times More Likely To Meet God Before You

MAN THROWING FIT AFTER BEING ASKED VACCINATION STATUS ACCURATELY MARKED AS UNVACCINATED

Everyone Who Throws A Fit For Being Asked Vaccination Status Accurately Marked As Unvaccinated

The CDC announced today that anyone who refuses to give their vaccination status should be considered unvaccinated for the health and safety of others. “When people throw a fit when asked the simple question ‘are you vaccinated?’ then you can … Continue reading Everyone Who Throws A Fit For Being Asked Vaccination Status Accurately Marked As Unvaccinated

NFL Pushes For Vaccinations: ‘We’d Prefer Our Players Die From Head Trauma In Retirement’

The NFL released guidelines today informing teams that COVID-19 outbreaks among unvaccinated players could lead to forfeited games in the upcoming football season. Some people are saying that the move is basically a mandate for players to get vaccinated. The … Continue reading NFL Pushes For Vaccinations: ‘We’d Prefer Our Players Die From Head Trauma In Retirement’

Tennessee GOP Okays Infanticide Via Polio & Measles By Stopping All Vaccine Outreach For Children

Tennessee Republicans made moves today to ensure that the state will no longer be advocating for children to get vaccinated – not just for COVID, but for any diseases – such as HPV, polio and measles. Health experts are saying … Continue reading Tennessee GOP Okays Infanticide Via Polio & Measles By Stopping All Vaccine Outreach For Children

NC Rep. Cawthorn Says Biden Could Send People Door-To-Door To Confiscate Bibles and Guns

North Carolina Representative Cawthorn Says Biden Could Send People Door-To-Door To Confiscate Bibles & Guns

North Carolina Republican Madison Cawthorn told audience members at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) today that the process of going door-to-door to inform Americans about vaccinations could also be used to take citizens’ guns and bibles. Here’s what people … Continue reading North Carolina Representative Cawthorn Says Biden Could Send People Door-To-Door To Confiscate Bibles & Guns

Rand Paul licks and slobbers on doorknob while encouraging americans to achieve herd immunity

Rand Paul Licks & Slobbers on Door Handle While Encouraging Americans to Achieve Herd Immunity

Senator Rand Paul incorrectly asserted today that New York City has achieved herd immunity from COVID-19 and that the rest of the US should follow suit. Paul then proceeded to get down on his knees to lick and slobber on … Continue reading Rand Paul Licks & Slobbers on Door Handle While Encouraging Americans to Achieve Herd Immunity

Trump farts on tape bob woodward gas farting

Bob Woodward Records 147 Audible Farts During Trump Interviews

President Trump has been trying to downplay his flatulence problem since journalist and author Bob Woodward released 18 recordings today in which the president is heard audibly farting nearly 150 times. In one interview alone, back in February, Trump farted … Continue reading Bob Woodward Records 147 Audible Farts During Trump Interviews

Study Shows Oleandrin Cures COVID Just as Effectively as Smothering Someone to Death with a MyPillow®

A new study by the University of Oxford shows that oleandrin, a deadly poison extract from the oleander plant, is just as effective at curing COVID-19 as smothering someone to death with a MyPillow®. The news comes just days after … Continue reading Study Shows Oleandrin Cures COVID Just as Effectively as Smothering Someone to Death with a MyPillow®

Covid-19 for dummies NY Times best seller

New ‘For Dummies’ COVID Book Series Takes Over NY Times Best-Sellers List

With misinformation running rampant across the US, a new ‘COVID-19 For Dummies’ book series created to spread truth has taken over the New York Times Best-Sellers list just two days after they hit the shelves. Notably, the books are said … Continue reading New ‘For Dummies’ COVID Book Series Takes Over NY Times Best-Sellers List

Heaven: 170,000 COVID Victims Protest God For Taking Wrong Trump

(The Astral Plane) Tensions are running high in Heaven tonight as the 170,000+ Americans who have died from COVID-19 are protesting God for taking the wrong Trump. Authorities say the protests, which are being led by the late father of … Continue reading Heaven: 170,000 COVID Victims Protest God For Taking Wrong Trump

The Devil & God Beg Conservatives to ‘Get Their Shit Together’ as Heaven & Hell Near Capacity

(The Astral Plane) After being essentially hands-off for millennia, the Devil and God stunned the world today when they publicly begged conservatives in America to stop screwing around and take the pandemic seriously. Both rulers reported that their individual dominions … Continue reading The Devil & God Beg Conservatives to ‘Get Their Shit Together’ as Heaven & Hell Near Capacity

Sarah Palin Advises Kamala Harris Against Being a ‘Total Fucking Moron,’ Says ‘That Was My Biggest Mistake’

Former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin offered advice to Kamala Harris today after she was selected to be Joe Biden’s running mate. Via an Instagram post, the former Alaska governor gave a few suggestions. “Congrats to the democrat VP pick. … Continue reading Sarah Palin Advises Kamala Harris Against Being a ‘Total Fucking Moron,’ Says ‘That Was My Biggest Mistake’

Trump to Ban Dating Apps as Fauci Calls For ‘Slut Shaming’ to Curb Pandemic

President Trump put out a statement today in which he said he would be banning all dating apps with an executive order in the coming week. The move comes after experts found that random sexual encounters were fueling the pandemic. … Continue reading Trump to Ban Dating Apps as Fauci Calls For ‘Slut Shaming’ to Curb Pandemic

Are Masks Safe?: Choking Deaths Quadruple as Americans Forget to Remove Masks Before Eating

Over 22,400 Americans have choked to death in 2020 – more than four times the yearly average. Experts say the cause is an uptick in less intelligent Americans finally agreeing to wear masks and then forgetting to remove them before … Continue reading Are Masks Safe?: Choking Deaths Quadruple as Americans Forget to Remove Masks Before Eating

Local Man Who Can ‘Totally Outpitch’ 79-Year-Old Fauci Somehow Can’t Handle Players Kneeling

(Buffalo, New York) Local man Bryan James, who proudly announced from the couch today that he could outpitch 79-year-old Dr. Fauci, somehow couldn’t find the strength to watch as members of the Yankees and Nationals took a knee before today’s … Continue reading Local Man Who Can ‘Totally Outpitch’ 79-Year-Old Fauci Somehow Can’t Handle Players Kneeling