Black Americans across the country are seriously considering risking their lives by staging an open carry rally outside of the White House. While still in the early planning stages, the group says they would hold the gathering in order to … Continue reading Black Americans are considering trying an open carry rally – just once – to get a gun control bill passed
Former Pope Benedict released his new book today entitled From the Depths of Our Loins: Silk Boxers & Swollen Balls. The book aims to educate the public on the sexual struggles that come with being a clergyman. What do you … Continue reading Retired Pope Benedict breaks silence on blue balls, wet dreams in Church life, and nobody wants to hear it
If you’ve ever considered training for a marathon, but you’re a bit intimidated by the idea of 26.2 miles, here’s some other, faster ways to destroy your body in the exact same ways. 1. Rub your nipples with sandpaper. Nothing … Continue reading Life Hack: 3 ways to ruin your body without having to train for a marathon
So I’ve been trying for the better part of an hour now to put all of these cheap, plastic attachments back on my goddamned vacuum cleaner. One could certainly say by looking at the various shapes on the back of … Continue reading Help! I have no fucking clue how to fit these back on my vacuum cleaner
An elderly woman in Madison, Wisconsin named Margaret Newsome unknowingly spent the last seven years of her life living with a human who was dressed in a dog costume. Newsome’s family, who never visited her, became suspicious when several furries … Continue reading Grandmother who thought she rescued a dog lived with a furry for 7 years
Recent studies reveal that nearly 20% of flight attendants saying they’ve received reports of passenger-on-passenger sexual assault on a flight and 68% have been sexually harassed themselves. If you’re keeping up with the times, you should already know that there … Continue reading 5 things you should never do with your penis on an airplane in 2020
Leaders of the United Methodist Church announced today that they’ve excommunicated all homophobic church members and clergy from the religious organization. “Followers who are concerned about what other people do with their genitals are welcome to start their own weird, … Continue reading United Methodist Church kicks out homophobic members for being “weird little bigots”
“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.” Continue reading Congress Passes Resolution to Completely Ignore Middle East
Until I read Susan Collin’s book ‘Quiet‘ I never consciously realized I was a prattling, annoying bitch. It was one of life’s “aha” moments. I personally don’t believe extroversion is a virtue. Extroverts: If you took the time to shut the fuck up, … Continue reading Extroverted? Here are 5 tips on how to shut the fuck up
A New Year’s resolution poll of over 6,000 Americans revealed that 67% of people want to break the habit of checking behind the shower curtains for murderers and monsters before going pee in 2020. Where do you stand on this … Continue reading Resolution: Let’s all stop checking behind the shower curtains before going pee in 2020
With temperatures warming up, and plenty of things to do, most Americans will spend the weekend on the couch binge watching TV. “By 4pm or so on a Sunday, the majority of citizens will once again realize that they’re doing … Continue reading Warmer temperatures this weekend will reinforce that you are a lazy slob with no hobbies
A recent study measuring hypersensitivity and narcissism in various age groups conclusively demonstrated that Baby Boomers are by far the most sensitive and self-important group of US citizens. Boomers also scored the highest for defensiveness, authoritativeness, stubbornness, and internalized low … Continue reading Study: Boomers are more sensitive & narcissistic than millennials
Big box stores, retail chains, and malls across the United States are calling Black Friday 2019 a “total and compete failure” after learning that no shopper or employee deaths have taken place. “We had 11 deaths in the past 12 … Continue reading Black Friday 2019 deemed a failure after stores report zero deaths
PornHub CEO Mike Zoffler and countless other companies from the industry have revealed that literally all of the legal pornography on the internet is being stored 375 feet under the Arctic ice in a remote location. Notably, there’s a global … Continue reading All of the porn on the internet is being preserved in this Arctic cave
Executive Producer Kevin Bright says he’s having an impossible time trying to recreate the original unwatchable-ness of the inexplicably popular sitcom Friends. “The show’s popularity was based solely on its blatant mediocrity,” Bright stated. “I can’t, in good conscience, bring … Continue reading Producer struggling to make Friends reunion special as shitty as original
Many men have started calling unsolicited photos of their penises “surprise gender reveal parties” What do you think? Continue reading Is sending a dick pic the same thing as a gender reveal party?
According to Starbucks, their new red holiday cup has a secret message written on the very bottom. The writing can be seen on the cup when it’s filled with a hot liquid and tipped upside-down. Only then will customers see … Continue reading Starbucks’ red cups come with a secret message printed on the bottom
In an apology for cutting out all LGBT sex scenes from Rocketman – the biographical musical film based on the life of musician Elton John – Delta airlines has announced they’ll be playing nothing but gay sex scenes on flights … Continue reading Delta flights will play same-sex pornography on repeat for the month of December
