A recent study measuring hypersensitivity and narcissism in various age groups conclusively demonstrated that Baby Boomers are by far the most sensitive and self-important group of US citizens. Boomers also scored the highest for defensiveness, authoritativeness, stubbornness, and internalized low self esteem. What do you think? Advertisements
“This lengthy, intricate study was conducted by the folks at the Harvard Center for Brain Science and incorporated proven Penis Responsiveness Technology (PRT) and Brainwave Function Reading (BFR) from leading scientists from the Biomimetic Robotics Lab at MIT.”
Big box stores, retail chains, and malls across the United States are calling Black Friday 2019 a “total and compete failure” after learning that no shopper or employee deaths have taken place. “We had 11 deaths in the past 12 years and now nothing. Folks just don’t seem to have that holiday spirit anymore,” Walmart CEO Doug McMillon stated. Retailers across the country are now expressing concern that holiday sales are headed for a slump. “Before the day is over. If we could see a fist fight over a children’s toy or maybe a parking lot shooting, or even a simple jewelry store robbery, then maybe, just maybe that would be a sign that there’s still some hope left.” Photo credit Ian Muttoo
The tweet was accompanied by the hashtags #WhiteLivesMatter and #MAGA.
PornHub CEO Mike Zoffler and countless other companies from the industry have revealed that literally all of the legal pornography on the internet is being stored 375 feet under the Arctic ice in a remote location. Notably, there’s a global treaty to keep the area neutral during times of war; making it an ideal spot for post-apocolyptic release. Meanwhile doomsday preppers call the porn bunker an ideal spot for a massive orgy to repopulate the planet. “Honestly, this is all we’ve been getting ready for,” doomsday guru Aaron Ward stated. “He who survives the end of the world will possess the greatest treasure of all: free access to unlimited porn.” Notably the spank bank looks like something out of a movie, its entrance a phallic obelisk jutting high out of two blinding white orbs. It sparkles with glowing lights and is filled with decades worth of tissues, vibrators, every sex toy known to man, and copious amounts of lube.
Executive Producer Kevin Bright says he’s having an impossible time trying to recreate the original unwatchable-ness of the inexplicably popular sitcom Friends. “The show’s popularity was based solely on its blatant mediocrity,” Bright stated. “I can’t, in good conscience, bring myself to direct another group of prattling diversity-void characters who live in one of the most diverse cities in the world.”
Many men have started calling unsolicited photos of their penises “surprise gender reveal parties” What do you think?