Big box stores, retail chains, and malls across the United States are calling Black Friday 2019 a “total and compete failure” after learning that no shopper or employee deaths have taken place.

“We had 11 deaths in the past 12 years and now nothing. Folks just don’t seem to have that holiday spirit anymore,” Walmart CEO Doug McMillon stated.

Retailers across the country are now expressing concern that holiday sales are headed for a slump.

“Before the day is over. If we could see a fist fight over a children’s toy or maybe a parking lot shooting, or even a simple jewelry store robbery, then maybe, just maybe that would be a sign that there’s still some hope left.”

Photo credit Ian Muttoo