Activating his fight-or-flight self-defense mechanism, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul completely melted into the pavement last night while being confronted by protesters after the Republican National Convention. As a small crowd began to gather around Paul and grow more vocal, the … Continue reading Rand Paul Escapes Protesters By Melting Into a Puddle
The band Smash Mouth is being blamed for more than 100 COVID-19 cases after they performed at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota on August 9th. Despite social distancing and mask wearing not being enforced at the event, truth … Continue reading False Flag: Media Claims 100+ People Willingly Attended a Smash Mouth Concert & Got COVID
The NBA playoffs were postponed Wednesday as many players were calling to end the season while demanding justice for Jacob Blake – yet another Black man who was wrongfully shot by the police. Players let NBA leadership know that they … Continue reading Jared Kushner on NBA: ‘This is What We Get for Paying the Blacks So Well’
Hours before Category 4 Hurricane Laura was expected to make landfall, president Trump was asked by FEMA for more disaster relief funds. Having explained to the president the predicted devastation from the powerful storm, FEMA leaders said they were bewildered … Continue reading Trump Asks If Louisiana Is Part Of US Before Taking Away FEMA Funding
An all-new epidemic has hit social media during COVID-19 and it’s dumber, yet somehow more complicated than baking and eating an entire loaf of sourdough bread. Presenting the charcuterie board! Charcuterie boards are glorified Lunchables for adults. They’re stupid planks … Continue reading Hot COVID Trends: Taking Pictures of Scraps of Food On a Wooden Plank
Republicans across the United States are excited to spend the next four nights cackling maniacally along with six Trumps and a handful of other speakers as they lay out their diabolical plans for the continued destruction of the country at … Continue reading Conservatives Looking Forward to Cackling Maniacally At Their TV Sets During the RNC
Looking to completely redo his image, Donald Trump has grown a unique mustache in which the hair is only in the middle portion of his upper lip, and approximately the width of his nose. In addition to this, he’s had … Continue reading Trump Sports New Hairstyle, Grows Trendsetting Mustache For RNC
Hurricanes Laura and Marco multiplied into eight storms today after the Trump administration detonated nuclear weapons inside of the two weather systems in hopes of destroying them. Meteorologists say that people in the path of the hurricanes should prepare themselves … Continue reading Double Hurricane Becomes Eight Radioactive Storms After US Nukes Weather Systems
A new study by the University of Oxford shows that oleandrin, a deadly poison extract from the oleander plant, is just as effective at curing COVID-19 as smothering someone to death with a MyPillow®. The news comes just days after … Continue reading Study Shows Oleandrin Cures COVID Just as Effectively as Smothering Someone to Death with a MyPillow®
(The Astral Plane) After being essentially hands-off for millennia, the Devil and God stunned the world today when they publicly begged conservatives in America to stop screwing around and take the pandemic seriously. Both rulers reported that their individual dominions … Continue reading The Devil & God Beg Conservatives to ‘Get Their Shit Together’ as Heaven & Hell Near Capacity
Henderson, NV – Local woman Jasmine Parker acquired a taste for glue today after exploring a longtime curiosity. Parker says she’d been wondering what glue tastes like ever since she saw other kids eating the gooey substance back when she … Continue reading Woman Eating 4th Helping of Glue No Longer Just Trying to Satisfy a Curiosity
President Trump put out a statement today in which he said he would be banning all dating apps with an executive order in the coming week. The move comes after experts found that random sexual encounters were fueling the pandemic. … Continue reading Trump to Ban Dating Apps as Fauci Calls For ‘Slut Shaming’ to Curb Pandemic
(Des Plaines, Illinois) Friends and family of local man Kyle Whitmore, who proudly declares himself a heavy metal and country music lover, say he’s a train wreck who is not to be trusted. Friends describe Whitmore and his playlists as … Continue reading Guy Who Loves Both Heavy Metal & Country Music Not to Be Trusted
Over 22,400 Americans have choked to death in 2020 – more than four times the yearly average. Experts say the cause is an uptick in less intelligent Americans finally agreeing to wear masks and then forgetting to remove them before … Continue reading Are Masks Safe?: Choking Deaths Quadruple as Americans Forget to Remove Masks Before Eating
Was it a cult leader or a world leader? Are you smart enough to know whether it was Charles Manson or Donald Trump who said these 10 quotes? [Grab a pencil. Answer key after article] 1. “Believe me, if I … Continue reading Who Said It: Donald Trump or Cult Leader Charles Manson?
(Colorado Springs, CO) White supremacist and food blogger Ronald Wilcox says he only meant to post the recipe for his favorite spicy mayonnaise on his blog when he accidentally went off on a highly offensive 90,000 word tangent while describing … Continue reading Racist Food Blogger Buries Mayo Recipe Within 90,000 Word Manifesto on White Power
An unidentified protester in Portland, Oregon lit several Bibles and an American flag on fire last night, causing outrage across the country. What happened next will warm your heart. The man wasn’t burned, brutally attacked, arrested or otherwise injured. He … Continue reading Man Tries to Burn Bible & American Flag at Protest, What Happens Next Will Warm Your Heart
President Trump told reporters today that he believed that mail-in voting for the 2020 election would result in the most inaccurate and fraudulent election in history. Trump added that he’d be “much more comfortable” having Russia oversee the mail-in ballots … Continue reading Trump Says Unbiased Third Party ‘Such as Russia’ Should Oversee 2020 Mail-In Ballots
