The next presidential debate has been officially rebranded as ‘The 2020 Presidential Debate With Jerry Springer,’ as the former TV show host and pseudo-celebrity is set to moderate. The Commission on Presidential Debates confirmed that the October 15th Miami debate … Continue reading Jerry Springer to Moderate Next Presidential Debate With Steve Wilkos as Security
A visibly frustrated and bewildered Joe Biden asked a group of reporters today – out loud – if he was losing his mind, questioning “Am I fucking crazy? Shouldn’t I be winning by, like, a lot?” “I feel like I’m … Continue reading Biden Questions Own Mental Health: ‘Am I Crazy? Shouldn’t I Be Winning By, Like, A Lot?’
Muttering to himself “it had better fucking work this time,” Donald Trump held up a box of rat poison today and told supporters that it was yet another cure for COVID-19. Privately, Trump admitted that the move was just another … Continue reading Trump Tells Supporters to Eat Deadly Rat Poison
In a shocking move today, First Lady Melania Trump announced that her ‘Be Best’ program against bullying has reached its surprise, final phase: voting Donald Trump out of office. “My fellow Americans. The time has come to teach the biggest … Continue reading First Lady Announces Final Phase of ‘Be Best’ Program is Voting Donald Trump Out of Office
According to staff working the event, the Democratic National Convention will include a hologram of deceased Senator John McCain who will be endorsing Joe Biden. Republicans are calling the move disrespectful, despite Democrats having received permission from McCain’s family. President … Continue reading Ghostly Hologram of John McCain to Endorse Joe Biden at Democratic National Convention
Karen Pence says she will only allow her husband to debate Kamala Harris if she can sit on stage between the two candidates and “make sure that Mike doesn’t give in to sexual temptations.” Shortly after the news broke, Joe … Continue reading Karen Pence Insists on Sitting Between Mike Pence & Kamala Harris on Debate Stage
Former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin offered advice to Kamala Harris today after she was selected to be Joe Biden’s running mate. Via an Instagram post, the former Alaska governor gave a few suggestions. “Congrats to the democrat VP pick. … Continue reading Sarah Palin Advises Kamala Harris Against Being a ‘Total Fucking Moron,’ Says ‘That Was My Biggest Mistake’
A German Shepherd named Max who served in both Iraq and Afghanistan is refusing to accept the Medal of Honor until the United States elects a new president. “I would rather be shaved bald and forced to take a bath … Continue reading Heroic Dog Refuses to Accept Medal of Honor Until Country Elects a Real Leader
The American Association of Retired People (AARP) released a new poll today revealing that, when forced to choose, 87% of Americans over 50 would prefer to have sex with Joe Biden over Donald Trump. Reasons cited by the more than … Continue reading AARP Poll Ranks Biden as Being ‘Decidedly More Fuckable’ Than Trump
An adorable hamster that has housed the real brain of Ben Carson since a failed 2015 experiment came forward today to voice support for Joe Biden and Black Lives Matter. The hamster, which according to all leading scientists is Ben … Continue reading Hamster That Swapped Brains With Dr. Ben Carson in 2015 Supports Joe Biden, Black Lives Matter
After a morning interview in which former Vice President Joe Biden told black Americans “you ain’t black” if you are voting for Trump, president Trump fired back with two tweets, drawing a sharp contrast between the two candidates. Continue reading ‘If You Like Your Skin Color, You Can Keep It’ Trump Reassures Black Supporters
Congressman Justin Amash, a Republican-turned-independent from Michigan, took heat upon announcing his presidential bid after it was revealed that he has yet to be accused of any form of sexual misconduct. The revelation that Amash may be an unquestionably innocent … Continue reading Laughable Third Party Candidate Hasn’t Even Been Accused of Sexual Assault
While trying to learn the proper etiquette for interacting with women, former vice president Joe Biden started an altercation with a mannequin that his staff was using to train him. Aides say that after trying countless times to put an … Continue reading What Does Joe Biden’s Argument With a Mannequin Say About His Mental Health?
(Philadelphia, PA) Former Vice President Joe Biden gave an incoherent, rambling speech at a rally this afternoon in front of a small, perplexed crowd. At one point during the speech Biden spent several minutes talking about “the time Dan ate … Continue reading Joe Biden Tells Confused Crowd About ‘The Time Dan Ate the Clouds Like Cotton Candy’
Presidential candidate Joe Biden stated today at an Alabama rally that all of his easily-offended supporters need to stop saying that all Bernie Sanders supporters are internet trolls and bullies. “Bernie Sanders’ loudest and most controversial supporters represent less than … Continue reading Joe Biden Calls His Offended Base ‘Whiny Mooncalves’ For Complaining About Sanders Supporters
In yet another major misstep, presidential candidate Joe Biden announced at a rally today that he “loves the smell of newborn babies,” adding that “the aroma is even better when they’re cooked.” “I was in the Cayman Islands and my … Continue reading Joe Biden tells stunned rally-goers a story about eating a baby
Joe Biden announced his plan at the Democratic Debate last night to enhance learning opportunities for underprivileged children. The former vice president says, if elected, he’ll be providing everyone with a free gramophone and educational vinyl records that explain why … Continue reading Joe Biden: “When I’m elected everyone will get a free gramophone!”
“In Narnia alone we lost centaurs, fauns – and some of them, I’m sure, were unicorns.”
Continue reading Sympathetic Biden and Trump express condolences after “shootings in Narnia, Middle-earth”
