Countless white fans are itching for sports and their championship games to resume so that they have their own reason to loot and riot. One Philadelphia Eagles fan, Michael Hillard, says he’s been wanting to “fuck some shit up” for two years. “We haven’t had ourselves a decent riot since the 2018 Super Bowl when the Eagles beat the Patriots,” Hillard stated. “We were flipping cars, pulling down streetlights, and lighting fires; not because we wanted to, but because we had to. There’s really no other way to express yourself when you’re dealing with the life and death issue that is sports.” Photo Credit Rommy Ghaly Advertisements
Police officers are under investigation for grand theft and possession of a prohibited weapon after wheeling a WWI cannon from nearby Gold Medal Park and leaving it in a crowd of protesters in downtown Minneapolis. Three officers have been put on administrative leave and could also face charges for defacing property and planting false evidence.
Confident that he’d like to murder at least one person, 17-year-old Thomas Wilkins of Genesee, Wisconsin says he’s torn between becoming a serial killer or a police officer. “Next year I’ll be 18, which means I’ll be old enough to become a police officer in this state,” Wilkins stated. “So I’m weighing out the pros and cons of each option.” Wilkins says that although he’d like the fame and notoriety that comes with being a serial killer, he’s also intrigued by the idea of killing a minority without consequence. “Sure, I’d love to have a horror movie or two made about me. Cops don’t really become legends like serial killers,” Wilkins stated. “On the other hand, I do like the feeling of absolute power that comes with authority.” As of press time, Wilkins said he was leaning toward becoming a police officer because he’d have a whole department covering up his crimes instead of trying to hunt him down.
After a morning interview in which former Vice President Joe Biden told black Americans “you ain’t black” if you are voting for Trump, president Trump fired back with two tweets, drawing a sharp contrast between the two candidates.
A recent study by Princeton University comparing George W. Bush and Donald J. Trump to former, non-drug-addicted presidents definitively shows that the United States would have been better off electing someone who was sober and less racist. “We found that a president who uses cocaine and alcohol like Bush is just as detrimental to a country’s wellbeing as a president who is riddled with Adderall, like Trump,” researcher Susan Garrity stated. “Additionally, the results show that people who aren’t blinded by racism make for much better leaders – such as President Obama.” “Having said this, we do not recommend that president Trump get sober as he would become – somehow – much worse of a person than he already is as he goes through withdrawal symptoms,” Garrity stated. “Once sober, Trump would then be searching for his next addiction to fill the void and keep him occupied. This could very well mean the proper execution of many of his plans, which would only work to further harm the country. A sober Trump would be even more deadly.”
“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt
The tweet was accompanied by the hashtags #WhiteLivesMatter and #MAGA.