Raw: Big Bird Explains Racism to Kids by Beating Elmo Senseless on CNN Town Hall


CNN has come under fire after their town hall on racism this morning took a dark turn. Parents across the country are now voicing their outrage after the news channel allowed the Sesame Street character Big Bird to beat the ever-living hell out of Elmo while providing little to no context. At one point Big Bird could be overheard shouting “Get out of here you red bastard!” as he chased Elmo. “We don’t like your color around these parts!” “They certainly didn’t sugar coat it,” concerned parent Bernice Bernard stated. “But they sure as hell didn’t explain it either.” Within minutes nearly all of the children attending the town hall had joined in to help tackle and apprehended Big Bird, suggesting that the blunt and traumatic approach could very well have worked.

Mayor Renames Road Leading to Trump’s Mar-a-Lago ‘Racist’s Way’

A section of South Ocean Boulevard in Palm Beach, Florida – the road that lead’s to Trump’s Mar-a-Lago – was renamed ‘Racist’s Way’ today by local Mayor Gail Coniglio. Coniglio says the renaming serves as both a rebuke of the president and an appropriate welcome; letting Trump’s guests know that they are indeed headed toward his Florida home. Notably the change, which also gave Trump’s home a new street number, happened on the same day that D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser renamed part of 16th Street near the White House ‘Black Lives Matter Plaza’. As of press time the president had yet to comment on how he felt about receiving mail at his new address of 666 Racist’s Way.

White People Long for Sports Championships to Resume So They Have a Reason to Riot Too


Countless white fans are itching for sports and their championship games to resume so that they have their own reason to loot and riot. One Philadelphia Eagles fan, Michael Hillard, says he’s been wanting to “fuck some shit up” for two years. “We haven’t had ourselves a decent riot since the 2018 Super Bowl when the Eagles beat the Patriots,” Hillard stated. “We were flipping cars, pulling down streetlights, and lighting fires; not because we wanted to, but because we had to. There’s really no other way to express yourself when you’re dealing with the life and death issue that is sports.” Photo Credit Rommy Ghaly

Future Murderer Torn Between Becoming a Serial Killer or a Police Officer


Confident that he’d like to murder at least one person, 17-year-old Thomas Wilkins of Genesee, Wisconsin says he’s torn between becoming a serial killer or a police officer. “Next year I’ll be 18, which means I’ll be old enough to become a police officer in this state,” Wilkins stated. “So I’m weighing out the pros and cons of each option.” Wilkins says that although he’d like the fame and notoriety that comes with being a serial killer, he’s also intrigued by the idea of killing a minority without consequence. “Sure, I’d love to have a horror movie or two made about me. Cops don’t really become legends like serial killers,” Wilkins stated. “On the other hand, I do like the feeling of absolute power that comes with authority.” As of press time, Wilkins said he was leaning toward becoming a police officer because he’d have a whole department covering up his crimes instead of trying to hunt him down.

Tech Companies Scramble to Reopen Offices so Workers Can Commute to Zoom Meetings


Despite being unable to utilize most office space or conference rooms, tech companies across the United States are pushing to reopen offices so that workers can commute to their Zoom meetings; serving as a firm reminder that employee autonomy only goes so far. “Although conducting Zoom meetings from home was working fine, it’s super nice to see the familiar faces of my coworkers from 6-feet away, covered by a mask. The camaraderie is definitely worth raising your chances of getting the virus, and it’s a good reminder of who’s really in charge,” IT manager Martin Reddy stated. Photo by Anna Shvets

Struggling Music Industry Defends Firing of Non-Essential Twerkers


With most major music events having been cancelled worldwide, and new music videos being postponed, the music industry is now defending itself for letting more than 115,000 non-essential twerkers go this week. “Although the industry itself will likely never die, we do unfortunately need to make smart business decisions during this tough time,” a press release read. “As of right now we can no longer financially justify keeping our non-essential twerkers.” What do you think?

NFL Finally Rids League of Redheads After Bengals Cut Andy Dalton


With the Cincinnati Bengals cutting Andy Dalton, the NFL says it has finally cleared the entire league of openly-redheaded players. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell praised the move by the Bengals, calling people with red hair a ‘distraction’. “We’ve been trying to stop and reverse the inundation of redheads in the NFL for years,” Goodell stated. “Today, we can proudly say that we’ve succeeded!” Notably, the Bengals claim that they had given Dalton the option of shaving his head like redheaded tight end Jimmy Graham, but the quarterback refused to hide or even change his hair color. “I am who I am and I refuse to apologize for it,” an emotional Dalton told reporters. “The NFL will be hearing from my lawyers.” As of press time, Goodell warned that any team that signs Dalton will be hit with a $150 million fine.

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