The NFL made the astonishing announcement today that they have deflated 72 footballs to Tom Brady’s ideal pounds per square inch (psi) in preparation for the Super Bowl. Unsurprisingly the revelation has left many in the league both baffled and … Continue reading 72 Footballs Deflated To Tom Brady’s Ideal PSI In Preparation For Super Bowl
Adam Westin of Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin just faked his 500th orgasm in under a year in an ongoing effort to avoid having children with his wife Rebecca who is completely unaware of what’s going on. “Adam and I have been … Continue reading Man Who Doesn’t Want Kids Fakes 500th Orgasm In Under A Year
Sorry libtards, but just because I’m fully-clothed, crying and eating Goya beans on the shower floor doesn’t mean that I’m a little, snowflake bitch like you. It means I’m a patriot who knows what’s really going on! Us Trump supporters … Continue reading Opinion: I’m Not a Snowflake, I’m Just Fully-Clothed, Crying & Eating Goya Beans On The Shower Floor
Former NBA player Charles Barkley was checked into the hospital last night after he told a stunned TV audience that NBA, NFL, and NHL players should be given the COVID-19 vaccine first “because they pay more in taxes.” By the … Continue reading Charles Barkley Hospitalized After Firmly Lodging Size 16 Foot in Own Mouth
Citing a “total lack of interest” along with a “universal disgust” in her videos, Canadian-owned pornography website Pornhub announced today that they had removed every single upload featuring your mom. Pornhub confirmed that their site had “become infested with horrifying … Continue reading Pornhub Deletes 60% Of Its Videos In Huge Move To Rid Site Of Your Mom
Ellen DeGeneres told fans today that she has tested positive for COVID-19. Yet, in an effort to continue filming her famous “12 Days of Giveaways,” Ellen admits that she still went into work this morning without telling anyone her diagnosis … Continue reading Ellen Infects Entire Staff With COVID So She Can Keep Taping Show
Citing the fact that the New York Jets are incapable of catching anything, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the 0-11 team is now exempt from the league’s COVID rules. “Since they clearly couldn’t catch anything to save their … Continue reading Unable to Catch Anything, NY Jets Now Exempt From NFL’s COVID Rules
The Denver Broncos are in a rough spot today as all four of their quarterbacks were exposed to the coronavirus and must sit out of today’s game. Contact tracing is now leading the Broncos to believe that it was their … Continue reading Broncos Remove Open-Mouth Kissing From Practice After All 4 QBs Get COVID
Proving that Taylor Swift fans will buy anything she puts out, the singer’s newest album – which is comprised of just her farting – went platinum in only 10 minutes. Titled ‘Squeak Now,’ Swift’s latest album features farting that lasts … Continue reading Taylor Swift’s New Album of Only Fart Noises Goes Platinum in Just 10 Minutes
E! cable network says the Jenners and Kardashians have voided their own contracts for Keeping Up With the Kardashians after recent surgeries resulted in the families being comprised of more than 50% plastic parts. “Our network signed a contract with … Continue reading Kardashian Contract Voided After E! Says Family Is More Plastic Than Human
Nintendo was taking heat this morning from the far right after it was revealed that the company’s wildly popular game Animal Crossing: New Horizons would now include yard signs showing support for presidential candidate Joe Biden. Many on the right … Continue reading After Adding Biden Signs, Animal Crossing Now Offers White Hoods & Tiki Torches to Appease Far Right Players
The NBA playoffs were postponed Wednesday as many players were calling to end the season while demanding justice for Jacob Blake – yet another Black man who was wrongfully shot by the police. Players let NBA leadership know that they … Continue reading Jared Kushner on NBA: ‘This is What We Get for Paying the Blacks So Well’
An all-new epidemic has hit social media during COVID-19 and it’s dumber, yet somehow more complicated than baking and eating an entire loaf of sourdough bread. Presenting the charcuterie board! Charcuterie boards are glorified Lunchables for adults. They’re stupid planks … Continue reading Hot COVID Trends: Taking Pictures of Scraps of Food On a Wooden Plank
Looking to completely redo his image, Donald Trump has grown a unique mustache in which the hair is only in the middle portion of his upper lip, and approximately the width of his nose. In addition to this, he’s had … Continue reading Trump Sports New Hairstyle, Grows Trendsetting Mustache For RNC
With misinformation running rampant across the US, a new ‘COVID-19 For Dummies’ book series created to spread truth has taken over the New York Times Best-Sellers list just two days after they hit the shelves. Notably, the books are said … Continue reading New ‘For Dummies’ COVID Book Series Takes Over NY Times Best-Sellers List
Henderson, NV – Local woman Jasmine Parker acquired a taste for glue today after exploring a longtime curiosity. Parker says she’d been wondering what glue tastes like ever since she saw other kids eating the gooey substance back when she … Continue reading Woman Eating 4th Helping of Glue No Longer Just Trying to Satisfy a Curiosity
(Des Plaines, Illinois) Friends and family of local man Kyle Whitmore, who proudly declares himself a heavy metal and country music lover, say he’s a train wreck who is not to be trusted. Friends describe Whitmore and his playlists as … Continue reading Guy Who Loves Both Heavy Metal & Country Music Not to Be Trusted
