In a morning news conference with reporters president Trump took the better part of an hour to share his own war story: The Battle of The Bone Spurs. “People were coming at me from left and right. Every angle folks, every angle,” Trump stated. “And just as the Enlisting Forces were about to take me captive, and likely kill me, because they’re killers these people; I evaded the enemy with a doctor’s note.” “So am I a hero?” Trump grinned while placing the Purple Heart around his own neck. “I don’t know. You tell me.” Advertisements
After demanding that the whistleblower be revealed at a Trump rally last night, Senator Rand Paul was met at the front door of his Bowling Green home by fellow libertarian and neighbor Tim Dunleavy who immediately began kicking the ever-living shit out of him once again. “It’s great being Rand’s neighbor,” Dunleavy stated. “Sometimes I’ll walk over there to borrow sugar, and other times he opens the door and I just drop the motherfucker.” “Rand’s a fake, plain and simple,” Dunleavy grinned while cleaning the blood off his knuckles. Nothing says ‘libertarian’ like intimidating people who point out abuses of government power.”
President Donald Trump was severely burned today when he accidentally touched the Medal of Honor with his unworthy hands. Trump was awarding the medal to Conan – the dog injured in Syria during the killing of ISIS leader Abu Baker – when the injury occurred. Advisors had already warned the president not to touch the prestigious award after witnessing the medal immediately kill a cockroach that had come in contact with it. Photo by David Holt
The White House’s monthly horoscope for the president was leaked this morning and Donald Trump is not pleased. The official document, which is used to guide the president, says Trump is expected to have a rocky month. “Fearless leader and Gemini,” Trump’s horoscope reads. “Trying to keep up appearances is taking its toll, so if you’re not exactly in the social butterfly mood, that’s something the American people need to understand.” “If the Democrats are pushing you out, let them know right away that you are looking for a break from the action,” the official government document suggested. “It might be time to put your personal lawyer in storage, stop digging your own grave, and pick out a nice new narrative. Command the chaos by bringing some fresh distractions into your fictional world.” Photo credit
With a seemingly continuous turnover of advisors in the past three years, president Trump now finds himself being advised by six different handbag designers, including his daughter Ivanka. The White House maintains that only a small percentage of meetings are spent discussing the fashion accessories. “Ivanka doesn’t talk about her fashion business with me,” Trump affirmed. “There’s no nepotism here and it really shows. Just look at me,” a dishevelled Trump stated while unzipping his 5-foot-long red tie from his fly. Additionally, the White House says they’re excited to unveil their new child and adult-sized leather body bags which were specially designed for the Kurds Trump left for dead in Syria.
In a sweeping move, president Trump signed an executive order today that pardons Republicans of any and all crimes. The order, which also releases any registered Republicans who are incarcerated, completely exonerates any future wrongdoings by right-wing public figures and citizens. “Conservatives are being targeted. Period.” Trump stated. “Fine Americans shouldn’t live in constant fear that they’ll eventually be caught and charged for doing something wrong. I can’t fucking sleep!” a puffy-eyed Trump shouted. “It’s unfair! And it’s cruel and it is unusual psychological punishment – which is not allowed under the 8th Amendment!” As of press time, the executive order had been added as the fifty-seventh example of obstruction of justice by the Trump Administration.
The Trump administration announced today that pills filled with shredded money have been added to the official USDA Nutrition Plate at the request of Melania Trump. The First Lady says the president needs to ingest 16 of the money pills a day. “My Donald, he is completely full of shit,” Melania confirmed. “So it is very important that he gets his fiber or he gets cranky and bloated. This is the only way I could get him to eat it.” Photo by Lisa Yarost