Democrats are taking heat after forcing a clandestine weekend vote today in which they managed to approve a minor name change to US Army base Fort Bragg; one of several US bases named after Confederate generals. “In honor of president Trump, our motion to officially change the name of ‘Fort Bragg’ to ‘Fort Brag’ with one letter ‘G’ has passed,” Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated. “Let this be a late, but imperative reminder that we should never celebrate treasonous traitors of the United States, but rather call them out – wherever they are – for what they really are.” Pelosi later told reporters that the idea behind the name change was inspired by president Trump himself who had weighed in on the issue of US military base names just yesterday. “I mean, if they really have to change the names. And you hate to see it. But if they really need to change them and there’s no other options, maybe they should name one or two after me?” Trump suggested with a shrug. “I’m no Confederate general, but I certainly agree with a lot of what they stood for. That’s what I would call a compromise.” As of Sunday afternoon, Democrats were hailing the name change as “frugal” and “a step in the right direction” as the taxpayer cost to remove a single ‘G’ from the end of all signage was minimal – allowing budgeting for the addition of Trump’s silhouette on every sign.
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”
The Washington Redskins announced today that they’ve finally found a more fitting name for their organization after it was revealed that at least 15 women have reported instances of sexual harassment, including unwanted touching. The franchise says that after much debate it has settled on the Washington Gropers. Reportedly, other names that were being considered included the Washington Non-Disclosure Agreements and the Washington Molesters.
Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale has been demoted to being the guy who hands president Trump a bottle of water when he wants to prove that he knows how to drink water. Parscale has been replaced by Bill Stepien, a former top aide to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie who was fired amid the Bridgegate scandal. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
The White House announced today that they will be issuing a mandate requiring families with school-aged children to send at least one child to school as tribute for a school reopening experiment. “Because our nation is so divided right now we decided to take a middle-of-the-road approach,” vice president Mike Pence stated. “Now families will be able to pick which child they would like to send to school while keeping the other ones at home.” Notably, families with just one child will be entered into a lottery system that will randomly select the kids that will have to attend classes. The names will be drawn at large, mandatory gatherings called ‘reapings’. “A reaping is an event that will take place in every school district before the school year,” Pence stated. “At the reaping, children without siblings are randomly chosen to attend classes in the upcoming school year. As of right now we are thinking that each district will simply select names from glass bowls.” Additionally, blood tests will be administered to all children who will attend classes to check for coronavirus and to confirm their identities. When asked by reporters for details on the rest of the school reopening plan, Pence stated “President Trump hasn’t gotten to that chapt… er… we’ll have more details to share with the American people very shortly.”
An explanation for the United States’ abysmal handling of the coronavirus has come to light after Trump stated that he has been trying to quietly build up America’s COVID-19 bioweapon stockpile ever since the virus reached the country. Specifically, the president admits that he’s keeping as many Americans infected as possible so that they can be deployed overseas at a moment’s notice should war break out. “If everyone could just shut up already about the Chinese virus that would be great. I can’t secretly amass a human stockpile if everyone won’t keep their traps shut about what we’re doing here,” Trump stated. “This is why we need to stop doing testing, stop wearing masks, and stop reporting on this altogether. From here on out let’s all agree to stop ruining my strategic military plan which will make our great nation’s military even greater, again.” Minutes later, White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany was already in front of news cameras telling reporters that the president was only kidding.
It was revealed today by Donald Trump’s niece Mary that the president cheated on his SATs by having someone else take the exam for him. The White House has admitted to the allegation and Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany provided an odd explanation. “Bone spurs, which are a painful bony projections associated with osteoarthritis, can hurt nearby nerves and cause excruciating pain. Mr. Trump’s bone spurs just so happen to be in his buttocks somewhat near his coccyx,” McEnany told reporters. “Because of this, the president cannot sit for long periods of time. Sometimes he can’t sit at all, which is part of the reason for the diapers. So you can imagine why he couldn’t sit there for a three hour test. “