In a shocking move that has sent waves through yacht clubs and boardrooms alike, life insurance companies nationwide have begun dropping billionaires and multi-millionaires from their policies, citing them as “too high risk.”
The unprecedented decision comes on the heels of recent events in which the public has shown clear disenchantment with the ultra-wealthy.
“After the unfortunate shooting of the United Healthcare CEO, and the subsequently shocking public approval, we had to rethink our actuarial tables,” said Cynthia Goldsmith, a spokesperson for the National Life Insurance Consortium. “While we used to consider billionaires a safe bet—they eat well, have access to the best healthcare, and live in fortified mansions—we didn’t factor in public sentiment.”
According to the new risk assessment models, a billionaire CEO is now considered as insurable as a professional skydiver with a history of seizures and fainting spells.
“This is just a responsible business decision,” Goldsmith added. “If the public hears ‘record profits’ and ‘executive bonuses’ in the same week as mass layoffs, our risk indicators go off the charts. And don’t even get us started on what happens if they raise insulin prices again.”
Critics have pointed out that dropping the wealthiest individuals from life insurance policies could leave them vulnerable, but insurance companies insist that billionaires have other means of protecting themselves.
“They have private security, bunkers, and their unwavering sense of superiority. They’ll be fine,” Goldsmith reassured.
In response, some billionaires have already begun lobbying Congress to establish a “Billionaire Protection Fund,” claiming it is their “basic human right” to be shielded from both risk and consequences.
Meanwhile, public reaction to the insurance companies’ decision has been positive.
“Honestly, this is the first time I’ve agreed with an insurance company,” said one Facebook user. “I guess billionaires really do bring people together—in a rope-and-pitchfork kind of way.”
Meanwhile, the ultra wealthy have been advised to avoid public appearances until they step away from exploitative and inhumane practices.
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