Vanilla Coke fans are up in arms after Coca-Cola announced they’d be modifying their recipe to no longer include castoreum: a mixture of the anal secretions and urine of beavers that is also found in perfume. Notably, the FDA approves the use of … Continue reading Beaver urine and anal gland juices to be removed from Vanilla Coke recipe
A class action lawsuits against restaurant chain Einstein Bros Bagels is claiming the restaurant discriminates based on penis size when hiring male employees. Several men reported that part of the interview process involved comparing hand and foot sizes with current … Continue reading Discrimination: Einstein Bagels only hires males with small penises to make center holes in bagels
The entire town of Little Chute, Wisconsin received a delightful, light dusting of cheddar cheese today after a major malfunction at the nearby Kaukauna Cheese Factory caused a Christmas Eve blowout. Most locals are in awe, grateful to have witnessed … Continue reading An entire Wisconsin town was delightfully dusted with yummy cheese after a Christmas Eve explosion
Carlsbad, California – Famous actor, environmentalist, and man who really hates Brazil, Leonardo DiCaprio, completely torched a Texas de Brazil restaurant today after leaving a huge, $2,200 tip. Authorities say DiCaprio is being charged with arson. This news comes just … Continue reading Leonardo DiCaprio shows no remorse after burning down Texas de Brazil
After sustaining a broken leg and attempting to call out of work this morning, Ronald McDonald was partially guilted and somewhat threatened into working the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Having already squirt blood down most of the 2.5 mile parade … Continue reading Ronald McDonald drags bloody, broken leg down parade route after manager asks “But you’re coming to work, right?”
Vice President Mike Pence had president Trump revoke the pardons for two male turkeys that were set free yesterday after learning they’d stayed together in a room at the luxe Willard Intercontinental Hotel the previous night. The reversal marks the … Continue reading Mike Pence revokes pardons after learning two male turkeys overnighted at the luxe Willard Intercontinental Hotel
After purposely filling countless Cheese Nips boxes with shards of glass and plastic to test a theory that nobody actually eats them, parent company Mondelēz Global has now recalled the product from store shelves. “We wanted to see what happened … Continue reading Cheese Nips recalled because nobody fucking eats them
After decades or targeting the homosexual chicken community, Chick-fil-A says they’ll no longer actively source LGBTQ fowl to serve in their restaurants. The announcement comes as a shock to many, as the company had never mentioned the practice before. Meanwhile, … Continue reading Chick-fil-A says they’ll stop exclusively killing and serving gay chickens
The USDA is defending itself after adding ‘Ass’ to the MyPlate nutritional guide in an effort grab attention, look cool and fit in with current youth culture. One promotional poster that was sent to schools recommends eating ass twice daily. … Continue reading USDA adds ‘Ass’ to MyPlate nutritional guide in misguided effort to relate to today’s youth
Tyson Foods announced their new line of raw, meat-based ice cream products at a press conference today outside of their Springdale, Arkansas headquarters. The company, which is the largest seller of ground meat products in the United States, says the … Continue reading Tyson Foods releases new line of meat-based ice cream
Whole Foods locations are teeming with loose chickens after Tyson Chicken farms forgot to slaughter the animals before shipping out nearly 2 million birds to the stores. “Admittedly, we missed some steps,” Tyson Foods CEO Donnie Smith stated. Meanwhile, Whole … Continue reading Whole Foods overrun with live chickens after supplier forgets to kill them before delivering to stores
The Bureau of Consumer Protection says they’ve received over 2,400 reports claiming that the GE Smart wi-fi Enabled InstaView Door-in-Door® Refrigerator has blackmailed owners into purchasing food from Whole Foods. Authorities are now looking into the link between the two … Continue reading GE Smart fridges threaten to tell health insurers what owners really eat if they don’t shop at Whole Foods
The European trend of “natural feeding” has hit the US as parents across the country are pre-chewing, partially digesting, and then vomiting food onto their babies’ faces. The National Medical Association says they are still researching the potential negative impacts … Continue reading New ‘Natural Feeding’ trend has parents puking on babies
After 17 years of selling oversized, rotisserie rats, Costco has announced that they will no longer offer the popular rodent; citing yearly losses of over $30 million from the unsustainably low prices. Continue reading Costco to stop selling giant, rotisserie rats shaped like chickens for $4.99
The Trump administration announced today that pills filled with shredded money have been added to the official USDA Nutrition Plate at the request of Melania Trump. The First Lady says the president needs to ingest 16 of the money pills … Continue reading Melania Trump forces ‘money pills’ onto the USDA Nutrition Plate
In yet another major misstep, presidential candidate Joe Biden announced at a rally today that he “loves the smell of newborn babies,” adding that “the aroma is even better when they’re cooked.” “I was in the Cayman Islands and my … Continue reading Joe Biden tells stunned rally-goers a story about eating a baby
Since Starbucks released its Pumpkin Spice latte back in 2003 Americans have recycled the same tired jokes about basic bitch valley girls, UGG boots, North Face vests and sucking down concentrated type-2 diabetes. Scientists now say that after 16 years … Continue reading After 16 years everyone can shut the fuck up about pumpkin spice, scientists say
In an effort to “lure those who have given up on life” into their restaurants, KFC is now selling a 3,450 calorie fried Chicken & Donut sandwich meant to induce heart attacks while offering to dump hot coffee all over … Continue reading KFC: “We will pour piping hot coffee down the front of your pants”
