CNN has come under fire after their town hall on racism this morning took a dark turn. Parents across the country are now voicing their outrage after the news channel allowed the Sesame Street character Big Bird to beat the … Continue reading Raw: Big Bird Explains Racism to Kids by Beating Elmo Senseless on CNN Town Hall
A section of South Ocean Boulevard in Palm Beach, Florida – the road that lead’s to Trump’s Mar-a-Lago – was renamed ‘Racist’s Way’ today by local Mayor Gail Coniglio. Coniglio says the renaming serves as both a rebuke of the … Continue reading Mayor Renames Road Leading to Trump’s Mar-a-Lago ‘Racist’s Way’
Countless white fans are itching for sports and their championship games to resume so that they have their own reason to loot and riot. One Philadelphia Eagles fan, Michael Hillard, says he’s been wanting to “fuck some shit up” for … Continue reading White People Long for Sports Championships to Resume So They Have a Reason to Riot Too
Confident that he’d like to murder at least one person, 17-year-old Thomas Wilkins of Genesee, Wisconsin says he’s torn between becoming a serial killer or a police officer. “Next year I’ll be 18, which means I’ll be old enough to … Continue reading Future Murderer Torn Between Becoming a Serial Killer or a Police Officer
Despite being unable to utilize most office space or conference rooms, tech companies across the United States are pushing to reopen offices so that workers can commute to their Zoom meetings; serving as a firm reminder that employee autonomy only … Continue reading Tech Companies Scramble to Reopen Offices so Workers Can Commute to Zoom Meetings
With most major music events having been cancelled worldwide, and new music videos being postponed, the music industry is now defending itself for letting more than 115,000 non-essential twerkers go this week. “Although the industry itself will likely never die, … Continue reading Struggling Music Industry Defends Firing of Non-Essential Twerkers
With the Cincinnati Bengals cutting Andy Dalton, the NFL says it has finally cleared the entire league of openly-redheaded players. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell praised the move by the Bengals, calling people with red hair a ‘distraction’. “We’ve been trying … Continue reading NFL Finally Rids League of Redheads After Bengals Cut Andy Dalton
Melania Trump celebrated her 50th birthday today, bringing her one year closer to being released from the marriage contract she signed with husband Donald Trump in 2005. The First Lady, who inked a 20-year agreement with the president, is now … Continue reading Melania Trump One Year Closer to Aging Out of Marriage Contract
Echoing the famous line from the 2005 hit film Brokeback Mountain, an emotional Rob Gronkowski announced his return to the NFL by telling former teammate and star quarterback Tom Brady that he was coming back just to be with him. … Continue reading ‘I Can’t Quit You!’ Gronkowski Tells Brady During NFL Comeback Announcement
(Grand Forks, North Dakota) Local man and archeologist Daniel Radsky finally cracked today and began digging up his flooring after giving in to a stir crazy madness caused by sheer boredom. “In retrospect, I should have focused on the basement,” … Continue reading Stir Crazy Archeologist Digs Up All of the Flooring in His House
ABC’s Disney Family Singalong was full of stars singing and dancing to classic Disney hits, but a one-off appearance by Bill O’Reilly left many viewers outraged as the right wing political pundit belted out an abbreviated version of “Song of … Continue reading Bill O’Reilly’s Rendition of “Song of the South” on ABC’s Disney Family Singalong Stirs Outrage
It’s true that we’re surrounded every day by items and objects that could kill us, but are there things lurking in your pantry that could also kill you? Yes. The answer is yes. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE DON’T … Continue reading Could Something in Your Pantry Kill You? This Man Will Find Out Tonight by Eating Everything in There!
Looking for something to do during the coronavirus pandemic, the town of Sherman Falls, Michigan threw a birthday parade for local resident and 103-year-old WWII veteran Hanz Richter today despite having no idea which side he fought on. Residents say … Continue reading Bored Town Celebrates WWII Vet’s 103rd Birthday Despite Not Knowing Which Side He Fought On
After binge watching all seven episodes of Tiger King yesterday on Netflix, president Trump has quickly become the biggest supporter of the imprisoned celebrity Joe Exotic, speaking out about the jailed man’s innocence. “Minus most of the gay stuff, we’re … Continue reading Trump Strongly Considering Pardoning ‘Tiger King’ Joe Exotic
Countless cities across Italy have taken to playing Nickelback in the streets to discourage their citizens from going outdoors. So far authorities say the drastic move has brought positive results. “We’re seeing folks staying home,” Italian President Sergio Mattarella stated. … Continue reading Italian Cities Are Playing Nickelback in the Streets to Deter Citizens From Going Outside
(Altoona, PA) Local man Dan Stephenson – whose entire family is under quarantine – dug up his old house floor plan in order to show his increasingly bored family all of the possibilities for where they can go this weekend. … Continue reading Weekend Travel Plans Include the Possibility of Visiting the Living Room, Master Bedroom, and Back Porch
Photographer Benjamin Heikkine of Finland was awarded the honor of TIME Magazine Photo of the Year for his astonishing shot of an Antarctic penguin who was waddling around for several other penguins, all while dressed up in drag. “It appears … Continue reading TIME Photo Of The Year Captures Antarctic Penguins Putting on a Drag Show
(Brookfield, WI) Local man Jeremy Walowitz says his first date with Amy Patel is going so well that he just might be getting an elbow job. “You have to be extra careful when dating during the coronavirus outbreak,” Walowitz stated. … Continue reading Date Going So Well, Man Just Might Get an Elbow Job
