Former Pope Benedict released his new book today entitled From the Depths of Our Loins: Silk Boxers & Swollen Balls. The book aims to educate the public on the sexual struggles that come with being a clergyman. What do you think? “So that’s disgusting.” – Julia Lorrens, Health Teacher “Unless it comes with advice on how to get this old pecker pumping, I’m not interested.” – Harold Higgins, Pharmaceutical Sales Rep. “I just wear silk boxers and go for a jog. Blue balls solved!” – Justin Parks, Asexual Stripper photo credit manhhai Advertisements
If you’ve ever considered training for a marathon, but you’re a bit intimidated by the idea of 26.2 miles, here’s some other, faster ways to destroy your body in the exact same ways. 1. Rub your nipples with sandpaper. Nothing says “I just ran a marathon” like bloody nipple stains on your shirt. This one’s a real time saver too. While it may take up to an hour of constant running to successfully destroy the areola region, sandpaper can do the trick in mere seconds. 2. Take a lighter to your heels and toes to give yourself blisters. Even when they find the best socks and shoes, most runners are in a constant battle with blisters on their feet. Save lots of money by never purchasing running shoes, head on down to the corner 7-Eleven, grab a $1 Bic lighter and go to town on your tootsies. 3. Hit yourself in the shins with a hammer. Lie like the president and tell people you have shin splints. No repetitive running needed here. Just grab a hammer from the tool bag and give your lower leg a swift crack with a mallet.
So I’ve been trying for the better part of an hour now to put all of these cheap, plastic attachments back on my goddamned vacuum cleaner. One could certainly say by looking at the various shapes on the back of this vacuum that an attempt was made to provide ways to affix these attachments, although there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to what I’m looking at here. There’s a semi-circular shape sticking out of the back that almost fits the long skinny tube piece. It’ll probably stay in there if you just don’t move the vacuum too much. Then of course I could slide the little mustache looking brush thing right on top of the long skinny tube piece. It does seem to slide right on top of the tube pretty snuggly. Nope. They both just fell off again. Okay. Back to how I always do it: Put the attachments against the vacuum and wrap the power cord around the whole fucking thing to hold them in place. If anyone knows what the fuck to do here, please leave a comment. Photo by Your Best Digs
(Waukesha, WI) – Local man Brian Fitzsimmons who’s been down on his luck lately and desperate for anything to work out decided Sunday afternoon that he’d get himself a real lucky rabbit’s foot for good luck. First, Fitzsimmons found a rabbit in the woods in his backyard. Using a fishing net, he caught it and brought it to his toolshed. He then grabbed a hacksaw and began carving through the bunny’s front left paw. Once he cut clean through, he went and chucked the rabbit carcass back into the woods whereupon he found ten adorable newborn bunnies that the butchered rabbit had just recently given birth to. Fitzsimmons says he now plans to teach his kids how to make lucky rabbit’s feet when he has custody next week. “I’ve been looking for a way to bond with my children. This just might be it,” an unemployed Fitzsimmons stated. “Who knows. This could even be the start of a new business venture for me. Things are looking up!”
Until I read Susan Collin’s book Quiet I never consciously realized I was a prattling, annoying bitch. It was one of life’s “aha” moments. I personally don’t believe extroversion is a virtue. Extroverts: If you took the time to shut the fuck up, your friends would be telling you to shut the fuck up. Here are 5 tips on how to do just that. 1. Develop a negative overall view of your temperament and personality. Seeing these characteristics as flawed has been extremely helpful to me. So go ahead and learn to acknowledge things that you’re bad at, then pile on the self-criticism. 2. Realize your opinion is meaningless to practically everyone. Some of my biggest professional successes have come from shutting the fuck up. I feel most comfortable when I’m silent. The more experiences I’ve had of offering nothing, the more comfortable I’ve become with it. Once you accumulate some experience keeping your stupid opinions to yourself, and achieving good results from it, it’ll get easier. 3. Understand that you aren’t special. Extroverts come in one greyish-blah color and are fueled by any sort of attention. Another fundamental aspect is your natural tendency to want to respond back before digesting any information. Instead, go away and ponder. Then, don’t come back. 5. Understand what the fuck you’re doing. Examples: Interrupting people who are concentrating, creating noisy environments, and never turning off your social mode. What to do: Minimize and find workarounds for whatever makes you particularly obnoxious. If you are easily overstimulated, you might benefit from reading Francis Brown’s book Everyone Wants You to Shut the Fuck Up! Consider learning physiological self-harm strategies that will dissuade you from repeat incidents after you’ve succumbed to overstimulation. 4. Distinguish between confidence and being a cocky asshole. Extroverted people are overconfident in both (1) their subpar abilities, and (2) that they will generally be liked by others. If you’re missing one of these types of confidence, you’re on your way to likability. Photo credit Urs Steiner
A New Year’s resolution poll of over 6,000 Americans revealed that 67% of people want to break the habit of checking behind the shower curtains for murderers and monsters before going pee in 2020. Where do you stand on this issue? “Personally, I always make sure there is somebody in the shower. I can’t go unless I know I’m not alone in the bathroom.” – Dave Juarez, Volunteer Lifeguard “There could be any number of things waiting behind a shower curtain. For example, raptors. I could certainly see raptors hiding back there. Clever girls.” – Jason Stevens, Creationist Paleontologist “That’s insane! If you haven’t done anything wrong then the translucent demon spirits are not waiting behind the shower curtain to kill you and drag your soul down to Lucifer himself!” – Julia Simmons, Daycare Owner “My resolution is to remember to pick up a weapon before checking behind the curtains. I honestly have no fucking clue how I’ve lived this long.” – Gerald Smultz, Plumber Photo Credit TJStamp