John and Sarah Malbeck of Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin say a rocking chair they inherited when they purchased their first home is haunted by an incredibly boring ghost. The chair, which has been in the basement since the couple moved in, has been seen rocking back and forth on its own on multiple occasions. “If you go downstairs, the chair may or may not start rocking,” John Malbeck stated “That’s it. That’s all that happens. We told you this wasn’t newsworthy.” Advertisements
After taking over 5,200 photographs of male genetalia, experts at Cornell University have released a computer-generated image of what the average male penis looks like. This is an image of the most basic dick:
For most cat owners, washing your cat is something you don’t really put much thought into. We all think we do it the right way, but that’s probably not true. For starters, most of us don’t wash our cats as much as we should – or worse – at all. Here are three signs you’re washing your cat all wrong: 1 – Your pussy still smells. You probably aren’t washing your cat long enough if they still smell afterward. Most owners stop washing their fur ball as soon as the cat has drawn enough blood to make them lightheaded. To work around this problem, purchase kevlar reinforced animal handling gloves so you can really soak your kitty. 2 – Your pussy is itchy and dry. You should never use a hairdryer on a cat. Their skin oils are too delicate to handle the concentrated heat. Instead hang a clothesline and clip your cat to it for 30 minutes after the bath. 3 – There’s hair… everywhere. If your pet is shedding too much, even after their bath, consider giving your pussy a shave. Then wash them once more to prevent future shedding. Finally, remember to pin them up on that clothesline for drying.
The Houston Astros returned over 750 signs today that the team stole from various cities they played in during 2019.
The blessing of the official Bible of the US Space Force took place today and religious groups are livid after learning the selected Bible was written in Galactic Basic; the common language found in Star Wars. The White House confirmed that the Bible was selected by president Trump himself who insisted that it be written in Galactic Basic “so that the aliens could understand.”
Former Pope Benedict released his new book today entitled From the Depths of Our Loins: Silk Boxers & Swollen Balls. The book aims to educate the public on the sexual struggles that come with being a clergyman. What do you think? “So that’s disgusting.” – Julia Lorrens, Health Teacher “Unless it comes with advice on how to get this old pecker pumping, I’m not interested.” – Harold Higgins, Pharmaceutical Sales Rep. “I just wear silk boxers and go for a jog. Blue balls solved!” – Justin Parks, Asexual Stripper photo credit manhhai
If you’ve ever considered training for a marathon, but you’re a bit intimidated by the idea of 26.2 miles, here’s some other, faster ways to destroy your body in the exact same ways. 1. Rub your nipples with sandpaper. Nothing says “I just ran a marathon” like bloody nipple stains on your shirt. This one’s a real time saver too. While it may take up to an hour of constant running to successfully destroy the areola region, sandpaper can do the trick in mere seconds. 2. Take a lighter to your heels and toes to give yourself blisters. Even when they find the best socks and shoes, most runners are in a constant battle with blisters on their feet. Save lots of money by never purchasing running shoes, head on down to the corner 7-Eleven, grab a $1 Bic lighter and go to town on your tootsies. 3. Hit yourself in the shins with a hammer. Lie like the president and tell people you have shin splints. No repetitive running needed here. Just grab a hammer from the tool bag and give your lower leg a swift crack with a mallet.