A visibly frustrated and bewildered Joe Biden asked a group of reporters today – out loud – if he was losing his mind, questioning “Am I fucking crazy? Shouldn’t I be winning by, like, a lot?” “I feel like I’m losing my goddamned mind! It’s like I’m living in the Twilight Zone, or on the moon,” a wide-eyed Biden shouted. “It’s crazy. No I mean it! It really is! It’s absolute madness.” Several reporters then reassured the presidential candidate that, no, he was in fact not insane and that he would most certainly be winning by at least 20% in the polls if we lived in a remotely well-educated society. “Well you can’t fix stupid,” Biden responded. “So we’ll have to just hope and pray that enough people will vote for Hillary Biden. I mean, Joe Clinton.” Photo Credit
Muttering to himself “it had better fucking work this time,” Donald Trump held up a box of rat poison today and told supporters that it was yet another cure for COVID-19. Privately, Trump admitted that the move was just another hasty, last ditch effort to lose the election. “You’re gonna want to eat the whole box. Some people say two boxes to make sure you really kill the virus,” Trump told the cheering crowd. “You’ll feel worse at first, but shortly thereafter you won’t feel anything at all.” After leaving the stage the president told reporters from CNN and MSNBC what he was really doing, knowing that his supporters wouldn’t believe the news outlets’ footage of him anyway. “Man it feels really good to finally say this out loud: I’m absolutely sick and tired of being president. I don’t want to do it anymore. What in the fuck is wrong with these people?” Trump stated while motioning toward the crowd. “I’ve been trying to hand this thing to Biden for months and it still looks like I might win. What the fuck do I have to say or do to throw this election?” Indeed, Trump’s frustration is warranted as his supporters don’t seem to care that people are dying from COVID-19, that he wouldn’t set an example by wearing a mask for months on end, or that he had recommended that people take deadly drugs. “These morons entertained the idea of injecting or drinking disinfectants. I told them to try the unproven drug hydroxychloroquine and then I upped the ante by suggesting the use of oleandrin – a poisonous extract that kills,” a visibly saddened Trump stated. “At this point my life has become a sad, sad joke. What did I do to deserve this? Maybe I’m in hell.” As of Sunday night the president said he had too much pride to just quit the race. Instead, he was strongly considering actually shooting someone in the middle of 5th Avenue to see if that would make him lose votes.
When asked if there was a plan in place if Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House after losing the November election, Washington D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser said that the city was already prepared for such a scenario. “Unfortunately, president Trump has made it clear that he will determine whether or not he accepts the November election results. Because of this many are wondering what will happen if he loses and refuses to remove himself from the White House,” Bowser stated. “Well if that is the case, the president will be cry-tweeting from his golden toilet, alone in the dark. Because we’re going to shut off all utilities if he protests the results.” In response to Bowser’s statements, White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said that such a move would be illegal. “The law clearly states that, and I quote, ‘utilities cannot disconnect service under federal law if you file for bankruptcy.’ Mr. Trump has already done that six times and he’ll do it a seventh if he has to. The utility company also cannot disconnect Mr. Trump’s service if he has a serious medical condition,” McEnany stated. “And undoubtedly anyone who refuses to accept a loss in the face of clear evidence is in serious need of psychiatric help.”
In a shocking move today, First Lady Melania Trump announced that her ‘Be Best’ program against bullying has reached its surprise, final phase: voting Donald Trump out of office. “My fellow Americans. The time has come to teach the biggest bully I’ve ever met a lesson on the largest scale,” Melania smiled. “This November 3rd, I want you all to be your best by casting your vote for Joe Biden. Because when you vote for Joe, you’re not just voting to save America, you’re also standing up to a bully and sending a clear message that we won’t put up with Donald’s bullshit anymore!” As of press time, it remained unclear if Melania had ended her marriage, since being exceedingly cold-hearted toward the president has always been her thing.
President Trump has finally proven that mail-in voting is prone to meddling by standing against desperately-needed funding for the struggling United States Postal Service that would allow the US to run an efficient election. Notably, Trump’s actions come just in time to meet a deadline set by a federal judge for the Trump campaign to provide proof that mail-in voting fraud takes place. “I was right folks! I was right,” Trump grinned. “They said ‘it’s never been done before; widespread mail-in voter fraud can’t be done!’ But now millions of Americans may be deprived of the right to vote and it wasn’t even that hard for me to do.” In addition to Trump leaving the USPS high and dry, authorities appointed by the president are seeing to the removal of many blue USPS mailboxes in states across the country. Despite all of this, Trump, his family members, and many on his staff all say that they will be voting by mail – just like they have been for years. “We like our mailboxes in Palm Beach,” trump winked. “So we’ll be keeping them up and running over here.”
According to staff working the event, the Democratic National Convention will include a hologram of deceased Senator John McCain who will be endorsing Joe Biden. Republicans are calling the move disrespectful, despite Democrats having received permission from McCain’s family. President Trump spoke out about McCain’s posthumous appearance, calling it a stunt. “Personally I think it’s blasphemous. Very, very blasphemous,” Trump stated. “The Democrats have had dead people voting for years, now they’ve got them endorsing! Well I prefer my endorsers to be alive.” As of press time rumors were swirling that the president – who had just publicly condemned the concept – was now considering digging up Ronald Reagan, hoisting his skeleton up with strings like a puppet, and having him deliver a speech endorsing Trump.
Karen Pence says she will only allow her husband to debate Kamala Harris if she can sit on stage between the two candidates and “make sure that Mike doesn’t give in to sexual temptations.” Shortly after the news broke, Joe Biden gave a statement to reporters. “Who we have in office right now is a president that brags about grabbing women by the pussy, and a vice president who can’t even speak to women without adult supervision,” Biden stated while sniffing at a female staffer’s nape. “It’s wild. I mean, what’s with all these men who can’t control themselves?” Notably, the conditions set by Karen Pence mark the first time she has ever expressed concern that her husband might show an ounce of warmth toward a Black woman. As of press time, Karen was demanding to speak to the top authorities at the University of Utah – where the debate will be held – to make sure that she is given a comfortable chair at center stage.