President Trump abruptly ended a news conference after ripping a loud fart in front of a crowd of supporters and reporters at an event in Bedminster, New Jersey today. During an exchange, CBS News White House correspondent Paula Reid called Trump out for lying about creating the Veterans Choice program. When Trump tried to ignore Reid and call on another reporter, Reid said, “You said that you passed Veterans Choice. It was passed in 2014… It was a false statement, sir.” Just then, the president let out a loud fart, turned bright red, and responded, “OK. Thank you very much, everybody.” Trump then slowly shuffled sideways off stage – having likely soiled himself – while the song “YMCA” began playing. Until today, Trump had never been heard farting while in public, although many staffers have reported that the president will frequently let out long farts while walking that squeak with every step. Notably, Trump’s fart marked the 1,500th time the president has used hot air and a load of crap to get out of answering a question. Photo Credit Michael Vadon
Republicans helped Kanye West get himself on the Wisconsin ballot for the 2020 presidential election today; a move that could divert votes from Joe Biden to West and hand Trump a victory in the swing state. Despite having unmanaged mental illness, Republicans are putting West on ballots around the country and sending him from state to state to give speeches that turn into public mental breakdowns – a trait that many argue could steal Trump supporter votes as well. As of press time, Democrats said they would try to split the Trump vote by placing former grand wizard of the KKK David Duke on the ballot.
President Trump is sending federal agents to the US suburbs in order to show citizens just “how easy it is to take their mail.” The move comes in an effort to prove that mail-in ballots will cause large-scale voter fraud and that the voting method should be outlawed for the 2020 election. “These fine men and women will be coming to a neighborhood near you in unmarked vans to steal your mail, because that’s how it will happen folks!” Trump stated. “They’ll come in unmarked vans and take the ballots! Believe me. Believe me.” Legal experts say that agents found stealing mail will likely be convicted of mail fraud. The president countered this claim, stating that federal agents have jurisdiction over mailboxes. Notably, Trump voted by mail in the 2020 Florida primary and the 2017 New York mayoral election. Moreover, experts state that every type of voter fraud in US elections is negligible when compared to the number of ballots cast and is unlikely to influence an election. As of press time Trump was looking for additional reasons to delay or deny a 2020 election loss.
President Trump told reporters today that he believed that mail-in voting for the 2020 election would result in the most inaccurate and fraudulent election in history. Trump added that he’d be “much more comfortable” having Russia oversee the mail-in ballots in order to have an “unbiased entity handle the results.” “It’s either delay the election until the virus disappears or allow a trustworthy country like Russia to assist us with the mail-ins,” Trump stated. “As you’ll recall Russia has yet to be found doing anything wrong when it comes to US domestic or foreign policy. Everything was all a big Democrat hoax, so Russia has been cleared – and very recently too – making them a smart choice to provide support in the 2020 election.” Notably, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell says he stands by Trump’s proposed Russia-lead voting solution; signaling key support from leadership that Trump will need to push a measure through Congress. “We need to either delay the election or mail our ballots directly to Moscow,” a fully supportive Mitch McConnell stated. “Because if one thing is for certain, it’s that we can trust Putin, but we cannot trust that the liberal voters in this country will not be cheating.” Moments later, Russian leader Vladimir Putin expressed his clear willingness to help. “Of course Russia will assist our great ally the United States of America with their upcoming fair and democratic election,” Putin grinned with steepled fingers. “Sure, we’ve already spent $11.7 billion to make the voting machines work to Mr. Trump’s liking – but what are friends for?” Photo Credit Peter Stevens
Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale has been demoted to being the guy who hands president Trump a bottle of water when he wants to prove that he knows how to drink water. Parscale has been replaced by Bill Stepien, a former top aide to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie who was fired amid the Bridgegate scandal. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
The United States Supreme Court ruled this morning that states can now punish Electoral College members that don’t vote for the candidate who wins statewide presidential balloting. The news comes after the young country just celebrated its 244th year as a a wishy-washy, pseudo-democracy. “Maybe someday in the future Americans will live in a nation in which each person directly casts one vote and the majority vote-getter wins the presidential election. A crazy notion, I know.” Senator Bernie Sanders stated. “But that day is not today and the majority winner – by nearly 3 million votes – is currently not our president.” As of press time republicans were speaking out against one person, one vote; pointing out that they would likely never win the presidency again should our elections allow for such a system. “It’s not that we don’t believe in democracy,” Senator Mitch McConnell stated. “It’s just that we don’t like the reality that we would be living in should true democracy be instated.”