It’s the most productive day of the year: National Cocaine Day! Celebrated the first Wednesday of December, the US Labor Department says the holiday typically produces six times the normal work output. To mark the day, a fast-talking, wide-eyed president … Continue reading Nearly Nude: Trump drops his pants while celebrating National Cocaine Day
Amazon President Jeff Bezos made a public apology today after it was revealed that the company was selling Christmas ornaments with pictures of Auschwitz on them. “First and foremost We’re sorry,” Bezos stated. “We’re now really going to force everyone … Continue reading Outrage: Bezos’ apology for Auschwitz ornaments included a “I hope this doesn’t Holo-cost us” joke
Leaders from Germany, France, Mexico, Canada, Italy, China, Norway, Denmark, the President of the Ukraine, and twelve other countries have released a signed petition publicly supporting Donald Trump’s impeachment. The document – which was drawn up by Canada in order … Continue reading Unprecedented: Coalition of world leaders sign petition supporting Trump’s impeachment
Although most Americans admit they aren’t worthy of going to Heaven, the vast majority also say that they haven’t made a plan for when they inevitably become God’s leftovers. What do you think? Continue reading Alarming: Most Americans have no plan for when they aren’t raptured
(Infographics provided by White House) They’re back from the dead! Big box store Toys ‘R’ Us, who declared bankruptcy just last year, has signed a $16 million deal to supply the US government with drones to police the northern border. … Continue reading Toys ‘R’ Us lands $16 million defense contract to monitor Canadian border with drones
Carlsbad, California – Famous actor, environmentalist, and man who really hates Brazil, Leonardo DiCaprio, completely torched a Texas de Brazil restaurant today after leaving a huge, $2,200 tip. Authorities say DiCaprio is being charged with arson. This news comes just … Continue reading Leonardo DiCaprio shows no remorse after burning down Texas de Brazil
Big box stores, retail chains, and malls across the United States are calling Black Friday 2019 a “total and compete failure” after learning that no shopper or employee deaths have taken place. “We had 11 deaths in the past 12 … Continue reading Black Friday 2019 deemed a failure after stores report zero deaths
After sustaining a broken leg and attempting to call out of work this morning, Ronald McDonald was partially guilted and somewhat threatened into working the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Having already squirt blood down most of the 2.5 mile parade … Continue reading Ronald McDonald drags bloody, broken leg down parade route after manager asks “But you’re coming to work, right?”
Vice President Mike Pence had president Trump revoke the pardons for two male turkeys that were set free yesterday after learning they’d stayed together in a room at the luxe Willard Intercontinental Hotel the previous night. The reversal marks the … Continue reading Mike Pence revokes pardons after learning two male turkeys overnighted at the luxe Willard Intercontinental Hotel
President Trump went on a 20-minute rant on live TV today in which he described how the radical left is taking Jesus out of the Thanksgiving turkey preparation process. “They want to stop us, the lefty loons, ” Trump stated. … Continue reading Trump: “The Looney Vegan Left is Removing Jesus From The Thanksgiving Turkey Process”
When asked by reporters today how he felt about Rick Perry calling him God’s “Chosen One,” president Trump faced cameras at the White House and stated “It’s cute. I think it’s really cute that Rick still thinks there’s a God. … Continue reading Trump: ‘It’s cute that Rick Perry thinks there’s a God. If anything, I’m God!’
After following Mike Pence home Sunday night to ask questions about the impeachment hearings, field reporters from FOX News saw something much, much more interesting in the Vice President’s garage: a ‘Mother-Pence 2020’ banner along with several campaign yard signs. … Continue reading Breaking: ‘Mother-Pence 2020’ Campaign Signs Spotted in Pence Family Home Garage
Staff at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center have confirmed that president Trump’s unannounced visit was prompted by gas that caused the president to suffer from intense abdominal pain and cramping. “The president was in tears, inconsolable, and shouting ‘This … Continue reading A long, wet fart ended Trump’s mystery Walter Reed Hospital visit
President Donald Trump shocked White House staffers today when he walked out of his bedroom, bald as a cue ball, and headed straight to the James F. Brady press briefing room to address journalists. The president says that the decision … Continue reading Trump addresses journalists without his hairpiece in a gesture of transparency
Vicks announced the release of their new DayTrippin’ formula today at their Denver, Colorado headquarters. The first-of-its-kind medicine, which causes intense hallucinations, is now available over the counter. The medicine is legal to sell in Denver because residents approved an … Continue reading Vicks tests out new DayTrippin’ formula with psilocybin in Denver
After purposely filling countless Cheese Nips boxes with shards of glass and plastic to test a theory that nobody actually eats them, parent company Mondelēz Global has now recalled the product from store shelves. “We wanted to see what happened … Continue reading Cheese Nips recalled because nobody fucking eats them
Cory Booker’s eyes shot out of his skull with a sickening pop on live TV during MSNBCs Democratic Debate. The stomach-turning scene took place during a heated exchange between Booker and Senator Elizabeth Warren. Upon eyeball ejection, Booker immediately uttered, … Continue reading Cory Booker’s eyes pop out during Democratic Debate
