President Joe Biden signed an executive order today freeing up funding to build a massive moving walkway that will carry immigrants across the Mexico-United States border and into McAllen, Texas. Construction on the 112.7 mile long, $4.8 billion walkway will … Continue reading Biden Administration Building Massive Moving Walkway To Carry Immigrants Directly Into US
Having already claimed that school shootings like Sandy Hook and Parkland we’re false flag operations and that 9/11 was an inside job, Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene stated in a press conference today that “not only is Bigfoot real, but … Continue reading Marjorie Taylor Greene: ‘Bigfoot Is A Real-Life Alien That Was Attracted To Earth By Chemtrails’
Sorry libtards, but just because I’m fully-clothed, crying and eating Goya beans on the shower floor doesn’t mean that I’m a little, snowflake bitch like you. It means I’m a patriot who knows what’s really going on! Us Trump supporters … Continue reading Opinion: I’m Not a Snowflake, I’m Just Fully-Clothed, Crying & Eating Goya Beans On The Shower Floor
Sources are reporting that hundreds of fact checkers at news organizations around the world were abruptly let go from their jobs after White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki completed an entire briefing without lying once to the press. “With the … Continue reading Hundreds Of Fact Checkers Laid Off After New Press Secretary Fails To Lie In First Briefing
Joe Biden has reportedly agreed to hire Elizabeth Warren to cleanse the White House with sage before moving in. The decision comes after Warren reached out to the Bidens yesterday, telling them that she was concerned the building needed “an … Continue reading Bidens Hire Elizabeth Warren to Sage White House Before Move In
When asked today how he felt about the Trumps not following tradition and inviting his family to the White House, Joe Biden told reporters that he wasn’t bothered by it at all. “It’s no skin off my nose! We all … Continue reading Biden Says He’ll ‘Still Visit Trump In Prison’ Despite No White House Invite
Former NBA player Charles Barkley was checked into the hospital last night after he told a stunned TV audience that NBA, NFL, and NHL players should be given the COVID-19 vaccine first “because they pay more in taxes.” By the … Continue reading Charles Barkley Hospitalized After Firmly Lodging Size 16 Foot in Own Mouth
Hundreds of pigeons bearing handwritten messages from Donald Trump were released from the White House today after Trump was banned from Twitter and nearly every other social media site. The president – who was annoyed by the birds flying around … Continue reading Trump Frantically Ties Hundreds of Handwritten ‘Tweets’ to Pigeons
After months of back and forth over what to provide in a stimulus package for the American people, Congress has finally managed to pass a bill that will offer every family a pizza party and a free copy of Shrek … Continue reading Second Stimulus Package Just A Pizza Party & Free Copy Of Shrek 3
Citing a “total lack of interest” along with a “universal disgust” in her videos, Canadian-owned pornography website Pornhub announced today that they had removed every single upload featuring your mom. Pornhub confirmed that their site had “become infested with horrifying … Continue reading Pornhub Deletes 60% Of Its Videos In Huge Move To Rid Site Of Your Mom
According to his wife and several sources close to him, Ted Cruz went missing today right after news broke that the Zodiac Killer’s cypher was cracked. Authorities say that they found Cruz’s shitty beard hair shaved off in a bathroom … Continue reading Ted Cruz Vanishes After Zodiac Killer Cypher Cracked
White House chief of staff Mark Meadows has ordered FDA chief Dr. Stephen Hahn to either authorize the Pfizer vaccine by the end of today or submit his letter of resignation. The ultimatum comes despite countless, repeated remarks from the … Continue reading White House Frantically Demands Vaccine Be Approved Today Despite Virus Being ‘No Worse Than Flu’
Ellen DeGeneres told fans today that she has tested positive for COVID-19. Yet, in an effort to continue filming her famous “12 Days of Giveaways,” Ellen admits that she still went into work this morning without telling anyone her diagnosis … Continue reading Ellen Infects Entire Staff With COVID So She Can Keep Taping Show
Citing the fact that the New York Jets are incapable of catching anything, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the 0-11 team is now exempt from the league’s COVID rules. “Since they clearly couldn’t catch anything to save their … Continue reading Unable to Catch Anything, NY Jets Now Exempt From NFL’s COVID Rules
The Denver Broncos are in a rough spot today as all four of their quarterbacks were exposed to the coronavirus and must sit out of today’s game. Contact tracing is now leading the Broncos to believe that it was their … Continue reading Broncos Remove Open-Mouth Kissing From Practice After All 4 QBs Get COVID
A desperate, broke Donald Trump was overheard shouting “C’mon baby! Donny needs a new set of results!” as he rolled the dice again by sending yet another $3 million to Wisconsin to recount votes for a second time. “The president … Continue reading ‘I Can Stop Anytime I Want!’ Shouts Trump While Using Last of His Money to Double Down on Recounts
