Countless cities across Italy have taken to playing Nickelback in the streets to discourage their citizens from going outdoors. So far authorities say the drastic move has brought positive results. “We’re seeing folks staying home,” Italian President Sergio Mattarella stated. … Continue reading Italian Cities Are Playing Nickelback in the Streets to Deter Citizens From Going Outside
In their latest move to combat the coronavirus, Germany has taken the most extreme measures to date by limiting gatherings to groups of two. “We are only pairing men and women with blond hair and blue eyes. No other congregating … Continue reading Germany Limits Gatherings to Two People With Blond Hair and Blue Eyes
(Ann Arbor, MI) Dressed in black and under the cover of darkness, the neighbors of Chad and Karen Seymour opened their hearts and supply rooms to donate $1,000 worth of toilet paper directly to the couple’s front lawn, porch, trees, … Continue reading Michigan Town Surprises Struggling Neighbor With Free Toilet Paper
Our Divine Creator who lives in the heavens finally lost His holy shit with the ungodly Hobby Lobby today after the company refused to close its doors during the pandemic; putting underpaid workers and customers at risk. As punishment, God … Continue reading God Gives Hobby Lobby Owners Coronavirus After ‘Getting Real Sick of Their Shit’
(Moreno Valley, CA) Landlord Ed Stallword, who manages several Southern California duplexes, is being deemed a “creepy hero” after allowing his tenants to pay their monthly rent with a lock of hair. Residents say they find Stallword to be both … Continue reading Creepy Hero Landlord Lowers Rent to One Lock of Hair
Slovenian gold digger Melania Trump apologized to the world today for her mentally-inferior husband and his repeated dog whistle of calling COVID-19 “The Chinese Virus”. “I do pretend to love Donald deeply. But I cannot, with what remaining conscience I … Continue reading Slovenian Gold Digger Apologizes For Husband Calling COVID-19 “The Chinese Virus”
(Altoona, PA) Local man Dan Stephenson – whose entire family is under quarantine – dug up his old house floor plan in order to show his increasingly bored family all of the possibilities for where they can go this weekend. … Continue reading Weekend Travel Plans Include the Possibility of Visiting the Living Room, Master Bedroom, and Back Porch
A large majority of humans on planet Earth say they have every intention of surviving the coronavirus to ensure that they get front row seats to the end of the world; which will be brought on by climate change sometime … Continue reading Humans Determined to Survive Coronavirus So They Can See Climate Change Decimate the Planet in 2035
Livid with the inadequate response to the coronavirus, the Council of Susans & Karens – a highly organized group of unreasonably entitled and incomparably misguided people – began demanding to speak with the CEOs of the Norton and McAfee antivirus … Continue reading Council of Susans & Karens Demands Meeting With Heads of Norton, McAfee
(Brookfield, WI) Local man Jeremy Walowitz says his first date with Amy Patel is going so well that he just might be getting an elbow job. “You have to be extra careful when dating during the coronavirus outbreak,” Walowitz stated. … Continue reading Date Going So Well, Man Just Might Get an Elbow Job
United States Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Dr. Ben Carson, took a 45-minute power nap while on stage with Mike Pence and other experts who were delivering a White House briefing on the coronavirus. Carson, who sleeps 22 hours … Continue reading Dr. Ben Carson Falls Asleep During White House Briefing
With church services across the US cancelled and “God continuing to rightfully punish humans with the coronavirus,” Father Joseph Stevenson of St. Elmo’s Fire Church in Birmingham, Alabama decided to strip nude in his empty church and frolic about; just … Continue reading Priest Who Finally Has Church All to Himself Dances Around in the Nude
People across the United States are being asked to inform their apartment, townhouse, or condo neighbors if they plan on smoking marijuana. The odd request is so that panic doesn’t spread from hearing repeated, guttural coughing through the walls after … Continue reading Does Apartment 2B Have Coronavirus, Or Are They Just Huge Stoners?
(Portland, OR) Local woman Maria Sommers’ cell phone is currently covered in Coronavirus and patiently waiting in her pocket for her to pull it out for the 117th time today. Sommers, like most people, has no common sense or clue … Continue reading Cell Phone Covered in Coronavirus Waiting for Owner to Finish Washing Their Hands
The coronavirus-free states of Alaska, Montana, Alabama, Mississippi, West Virginia, and Maine have begun construction of their own border walls in order to keep people with the virus out. Alabama Governor Kay Ivey was very direct today when asked about … Continue reading Six of the Remaining States Without Coronavirus Begin Construction of Border Walls
Completely oblivious of the Coronavirus, Canadian rock band Nickelback has continued the United States leg of their “All the Right Reasons” world tour as the typical crowd size of seven people hasn’t dwindled since the outbreak began. Public health officials … Continue reading Unaware of Coronavirus, Nickelback Continues Tour of Playing to Empty Stadiums
(Denver, CO) Local man Peter Darling says the unadjustable, nearly-freezing cold water in his workplace restroom is most likely not killing off the Coronavirus, or any other germs for that matter. “If anything, we’re probably giving the virus a nice, … Continue reading Unadjustable, 40-Degree Tap Water at Work Isn’t Killing Anything
(Waukesha, WI) Because of the coronavirus, local man Jeremy Rhiner says he’s preparing for the very real possibility that he will have to drive his three kids 1,274 miles to Disney World. “It’s probably only a matter of time before … Continue reading Dreaded Family Road Trip Becoming a Real Possibility as Coronavirus Spreads
