President Donald Trump is furious that he hasn’t received a gift from Santa since 2000 – when he was 54 years old. Continue reading Trump threatens North Pole after going 18 years without a single present from Santa
Nancy Pelosi and fellow Democrats announced today that they plan to push forward with the collection of evidence in an effort to lube up Republicans across the aisle and get them to impeach president Trump. “We want to give them … Continue reading Edging: Democrats plan to get Republicans very close to impeachment several times before finishing inside the Senate
Democrats threw Republican members of the House for a loop today when they caried out all of the impeachment proceedings in Spanish. Republican critics are calling the Democrat’s actions both an abuse of power and an obstruction of Congress. “We … Continue reading Un-American: Democrats conduct impeachment proceedings entirely in Spanish
President Trump announced today that he may not participate in the 2020 Presidential Debates after realizing that he’s used up every last one of his best words. “I’ve said ’em all folks. All of my best, most tremendous words. Every … Continue reading President Trump says he might boycott 2020 debates after running out of “the best words”
While taking questions from the press outside of 10 Downing Street, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson shocked the crowd when he offered to teach Donald Trump how to win an election. “I’ll show Mr. Trump how it’s done without foreign … Continue reading Boris Johnson offers to teach Trump how to be an abrasive prick and still win an election without foreign interference
Nancy Pelosi gave a briefing this morning explaining the remaining steps to impeaching president Donald Trump. “For those of you who aren’t clear, I wanted to lay out the next steps for the impeachment process,” a wide-eyed Pelosi stated. “Today … Continue reading Impeachment Explained: House Judiciary Committee holds a vote to vote on a vote for tomorrow’s impeachment vote after a preliminary vote today and Friday
Caretakers were forced to halt today’s impeachment hearings after countless Republican congressmen threw geriatric temper tantrums during opening statements. The outbursts began when, in a move of solidarity, the elderly men all removed their hearing aids and then refused to … Continue reading Madness: Impeachment hearings break for recess after hospice care workers lose control of Republicans
Yesterday, a ranting president Trump claimed on live TV that Americans are flushing their toilets “10 times, 15 times, as opposed to once,” adding that he’s having the EPA “look into it.” Today, the president’s senior advisor – and blackbelt … Continue reading Obsessed: Trump enters bathrooms and repeatedly flushes toilets, even when he doesn’t have to go
North Korea has been hit with the toughest US sanctions yet after Kim Jong-un revealed he has an arsenal of insults from an 1811 English dictionary ready to launch at president Trump at a moment’s notice. “We’ve got flapdoodle, gibfaced … Continue reading North Korea threatens to launch insults capable of destroying Trump’s ego
It’s the most productive day of the year: National Cocaine Day! Celebrated the first Wednesday of December, the US Labor Department says the holiday typically produces six times the normal work output. To mark the day, a fast-talking, wide-eyed president … Continue reading Nearly Nude: Trump drops his pants while celebrating National Cocaine Day
Leaders from Germany, France, Mexico, Canada, Italy, China, Norway, Denmark, the President of the Ukraine, and twelve other countries have released a signed petition publicly supporting Donald Trump’s impeachment. The document – which was drawn up by Canada in order … Continue reading Unprecedented: Coalition of world leaders sign petition supporting Trump’s impeachment
President Trump went on a 20-minute rant on live TV today in which he described how the radical left is taking Jesus out of the Thanksgiving turkey preparation process. “They want to stop us, the lefty loons, ” Trump stated. … Continue reading Trump: “The Looney Vegan Left is Removing Jesus From The Thanksgiving Turkey Process”
When asked by reporters today how he felt about Rick Perry calling him God’s “Chosen One,” president Trump faced cameras at the White House and stated “It’s cute. I think it’s really cute that Rick still thinks there’s a God. … Continue reading Trump: ‘It’s cute that Rick Perry thinks there’s a God. If anything, I’m God!’
After following Mike Pence home Sunday night to ask questions about the impeachment hearings, field reporters from FOX News saw something much, much more interesting in the Vice President’s garage: a ‘Mother-Pence 2020’ banner along with several campaign yard signs. … Continue reading Breaking: ‘Mother-Pence 2020’ Campaign Signs Spotted in Pence Family Home Garage
Staff at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center have confirmed that president Trump’s unannounced visit was prompted by gas that caused the president to suffer from intense abdominal pain and cramping. “The president was in tears, inconsolable, and shouting ‘This … Continue reading A long, wet fart ended Trump’s mystery Walter Reed Hospital visit
President Donald Trump shocked White House staffers today when he walked out of his bedroom, bald as a cue ball, and headed straight to the James F. Brady press briefing room to address journalists. The president says that the decision … Continue reading Trump addresses journalists without his hairpiece in a gesture of transparency
South Carolina Senator and closeted homosexual Lindsey Graham told reporters today that he’d “snort a pound of cocaine out of the president’s chocolate starfish before even considering impeachment.” “That’s right,” a wide-eyed Graham continued. “I’ll take a pound of coke … Continue reading Lindsey Graham: “I’ll snort cocaine out of Donald Trump’s asshole before I’ll vote to impeach”
A White House staffer named Donna Brump, who claims to be “unbelievably close” to President Trump, testified today before Congress. In a shocking series of seemingly unforced admissions, Brump unequivocally proved that president Trump has violated the US Constitution. “I … Continue reading Surprise testimony from Donna Brump proves Trump’s guilt in impeachment hearings
